


The Teacher

by deflated_leaf



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Breif Mpreg, Character Death, Children, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Death, F/M, Gay, Gay Thomas Jefferson, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied Mpreg, Inspired by Hamilton, Internalized Homophobia, Jamilton - Freeform, LGBTQ Themes, Lams - Freeform, Love, M/M, Me forgetting straight people exist, Minor Character Death, Not Beta Read, OC but they're not really there, Other, Past Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Past Character Death, Slow To Update, Thomas Jefferson Loves Alexander Hamilton, Trans Alex, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, i will update tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 23,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27819454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deflated_leaf/pseuds/deflated_leaf
Summary: Warning: Brief M-preg, yes this is a baby fic, trans AlexAlexander Hamilton is a 29-year-old English teacher who's just trying to move on and support his son.Thomas Jefferson is a 32-year-old lonely lawyer who got divorced a year and a half ago. He wants to not feel empty and disgusting.How will they meet? Alexander gets fired. How do they get together? You'll just have to find out ;)There will be some triggers, but I'll put a summary at the bottom-Constructive criticism is always welcome :)If this sounds interesting, give it a shot?Updates frequently but without a schedule!!
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/Maria Reynolds, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, George Washington/Martha Washington
Comments: 49
Kudos: 79





	1. Let's sprinkle in some Lams

**Author's Note:**

> I don't mean to offend anyone, so if I do something wrong, please call me out on it. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
> 
> Updates may be slow, but I have some pre-written chapters. Updates should be pretty frequent if I handle this right.
> 
> Note: self-projection will definitely be included :)

Today was an exciting day! After years and years of struggling with himself, he was here, happy, healthy, and 25 years old with clear skin. Today, Alexander Hamilton would be picking up his first set of testosterone shots. He raced around the apartment he shared with his _fiancé,_ John Laurens, trying to find those damn shoes. John was also looking for them, wanting to leave as soon as possible. They were already late, too busy celebrating that morning to check the time. Two minutes later, they found the shoes and headed out the door. They climbed into John's car and left.

Staring out the window, Alexander wondered if his mother would be proud of him. He wondered if she was even alive. The last time he had seen her was before child services took him away when they deemed her unfitting to raise him. Sure they were going through a hard time, but that was only because his abusive asshole of a father had taken all of the little money they had and left. She even had a job lined up. They just needed another week or so. He wondered if his older brother, James, was living a happy life. If he got the perfect family he dreamed of: a beautiful, loving, and kind wife with one child and dog. Maybe James would be proud of him too. What about the rest of the town? Would they be proud of him? Is his cousin finally happy in that better place? He hoped everyone from his past was proud. He didn't know, but he knew everyone in his life now was proud of him.

The Washingtons, his adoptive family, and the Laurens' were so accepting before and when Alexander came out, he cried. They made sure he felt safe and loved. They were amazing. His life was going amazing.

Until it didn't.

They were on the freeway, and something hit them. John swerved, crashing them into something else. The last things Alexander heard were screams and ringing before he blacked out. He couldn't see anything before his consciousness gave out. He only saw the darkness of the inside of his eyelids. The last thing he felt was some warm stickiness and cold metal. The last thing he smelled was smoke.

Alexander woke up in an unfamiliar, small, white room. It reeked of sanitizer. His body, especially his head and legs, ached. He turned his head to the side when he heard the familiar voices of people gasping and sobbing. One was his sister, Kristina Santos. The other was his mother, Martha Washington.

"Lex," Kristina breathed. "Oh my god, you're awake!" She gripped one hand onto his, the other slipping into the pocket of her sweatpants, and fishing out her phone. One-handed, she typed out something to someone and stashed the device away. "Dad and Eleanor are coming." She looked to the side and pressed the red button that alerted the staff in case something was wrong. Martha just sat there holding Alexander's other hand, tears pricking at her eyes. She was unable to say anything, but he understood and nodded.

He tried to recall the events that led to this one, but he couldn't. The last thing he remembered was looking for something in their apartment how many days ago? That's when he remembered someone. "John," he gasped. "Where's John? Is he okay?"

Kristina frowned, and a nurse came into the room. The nurse had a baby blue name tag that read, _Clara (She/Her)._ "Hello, Alexander. Glad someone's finally awake."

Alexander's brows furrowed. "Finally?"

"Three days," Martha cut in.

"But don't worry, you're doing just fine," Clara informed. "You and your baby are fine. I'll come and check on you again in a few minutes. Let me just need to grab some things before we start any tests." She smiled and left with a wave.

The room went quiet and cold. Alexander was in shock by this new information. He, Alexander

Hamilton, was pregnant? He didn't even know.

"Alex, why didn't you tell us?" Martha asked. "You're not supposed to take testosterone while pregnant. You know this."

"I-" he was at a loss of words. Did John know? Is John even alive? Where was he? He tried to sit up, but when his leg shifted, and he pushed pressure on his arms, he squeaked in pain. Instead, he laid back down and pressed a hand to his stomach. "...didn't know."

Clara came in a few minutes later with papers and a metal tray full of medical stuff he couldn't name.

"Excuse me? How far along is my brother?" Kristina asked.

"Almost three weeks." Clara stuck a needle into Alexander's arm, releasing a liquid into his vein. "That should lower the pain. I would give you a higher dose, but you know your situation." She handed him some papers. "Your left arm is broken, your legs are very bruised, and have some deep cuts, so be careful, and you have a mild concussion. We'll need to set your arm soon..." she trailed off, writing something in a notebook. "Those papers have some more information about your current state, and stuff to help with your pregnancy."

"Where's John?" Alexander asked.

"Oh, well, he's stable, but we're not sure if he'll stay that way. The crash caused some heart problems." She turned to leave. "I'm sorry."

They sat in silence, Alexander letting the information sink in. _John could die._ Thoughts like those circled in his head for what felt like hours.

Eleanor, John's mother, was the first to arrive, immediately pulling her future son in law into a careful hug. They filled her in with the new information and was relieved, unlike Alexander. She said, "At least he's stable."

Alexander knew he should trust her judgment- after all, she was a nurse- but something just felt wrong. Maybe it was the concussion, but something was wrong.

George finally came into the room ten minutes later, to which he complained about the traffic. They filled him in like Eleanor, and he gave a comforting hug and forehead kiss to his son.

The group stayed there until visiting hours were over, just trying to lighten the mood. Alexander would get his arm set the next morning, and stay one more day for observation before he could leave.


	2. I have regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really just wanna post all of my pre-written chapters. Someone, please tell me not to do it

The next day was fairly boring. Alexander got his arm set, and nurses ran more tests. He and apparently, his baby, were healthy. He threw up a couple of times, but no one knew if it was the concussion or morning sickness.

The day after that was... eventful. He got permission to visit John in his room. Of course, he was still unconscious, but stable. That's what Alexander repeated in his head. _Unconscious, but stable. He's stable. John's going to be okay._ When he entered the room, he was surprised at the sight before him. Unlike Alexander, he wasn't wearing a hospital gown, but instead had bandages wrapped around his chest. He had a broken leg, and you could see all the fresh cuts and bruises on his arms and lower chest.

Alexander didn't know what to do. John looked terrible. Eventually, he settled on sitting in the chair by his hospital bed and taking his hand. Like Martha and Kristina, Alexander softly gasped when he felt a grip tighten on his hand and saw looked up to see John's eyes fluttering open. His nose twitched as he woke, becoming more apparent of his surroundings.

"Alex..." he mumbled. Alexander slowly tightened his grip on John's hand. "I love you."

Tears were pricking at Alexander's eyes. "I love you too. So, so much." His other hand drifted from his side and placed it on his stomach.

The door creaked open. "Alexander, sweetie, how are you-" Eleanor cut herself off once she saw John. She called a nurse over, and was immediately at John's other side, rubbing the knuckles on his other hand.

The nurse asked him questions like, 'how do you feel?' and 'what can you remember?' Eleanor and Alexander got kicked out of the room a few minutes later so the nurses could have their space. It was half an hour before they were allowed back in John's room. At that time, Eleanor pulled Mary, John's younger sister, out of her classes. Alexander managed to limp to the bathroom just in time to barf up his entire stomach into the toilet.

Alexander left the Laurens' alone so they could catch up. After all, they had been in South Carolina, and only came up when they received news of the crash. Mary was taking online classes.

Ten minutes later, the two left, and Alexander was welcomed into the room. John smiled warmly at his fiance. "The nurses told me you're-" John started.

"Yeah."

John patted a spot next to him on the bed for Alexander to sit. "What do you want to do?"

Alexander sat and held John's hand. "What should I do?"

John sighed. "I can't tell you that, babe. It's your body, and I'll support you every step of the way."

Alexander thought for a few minutes. "I think I wanna keep it." John smiled softly and nodded. He looked up at Alexander, asking permission to rest his other hand on his stomach. Alexander took his hand and placed it for him. He rested his head on John's shoulder. The two sat mostly silent, enjoying each other's company.

Alexander drifted off to sleep after an hour. When he woke up, there was a rapid beeping noise. Alexander glanced at John's heart monitor, which was spiking. Nearby nurses immediately came rushing in, pushing him away so they could work.

John's emergency contacts, one being Elenor, of course, were called and she was back in the hospital within the next ten minutes. Alexander was sitting in the chair by John's room with his head in his hands.

"Alexander!" Eleanor called out to him, and he looked up. "Alex, what happened? Where is he?"

"I-I don't know what happened," Alexander rushed out. "I- we were just-just sitting there a-and-"

A nurse came up to them. "Are you Eleanor Laurens?"

"Yes! Where is my son?!"

"He went into cardiac arrest, and being prepped for an emergency open-heart surgery right now." He informed them, leading them into a waiting room. He ran off in a hurry leaving them with too many questions.

"Eleanor," Alexander whispered.

She was in shock. She couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't breathe.

"Eleanor," he whispered again.

No response.

He gave up. He led her to a chair next to him and sat her down, him being in the opposite chair.

The silence was uncomfortable. It made his thoughts louder and louder. It made the ringing in his ears deafening.

 _What if John died?_ His mind echoed.

_What if he never gets to see our child?_

_What if I have to raise them alone?_

He started to tear up. John still had so much left to see, so much more to do. He was supposed to see their child grow up. He would be there to set up parties. They were supposed to watch Disney movies together. They were supposed to be there for them whenever and wherever.

They were supposed to grow old together.

Alexander remembered the first time they met. It was like something out of a bad rom-com. They were dormmates and John helped him unpack. He blushed whenever their hands made contact and when he was caught staring. Everyone thought they were already dating because of all the not so platonic flirting. It was a whole mess of butterflies and tears. There was even a dramatic confession in the rain.

He could barely keep it together. His silent tears became choking sobs. His sounds echoed the once silent room.

There was no one to hold him. John was in surgery and Eleanor wasn't _there._

So he just sat there.

-

"Alex, Alex, Alexander!"

Alexander snapped out of his head. He saw Kristina in front of him, holding his hand.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"It's John. He-He's in surgery," Alexander choked.

"Hey, it's okay. He's going to be okay," Kristina told him, her voice quivering with uncertainty. "I'm gonna go talk to Eleanor."

-

"John Laurens?" A nurse announced.

Kristina, Alexander, and Eleanor's heads shot up.

The nurse was obviously nervous about something. He fidgeted with a pen in his hand, tapping it on his clipboard. Though, working at a hospital would probably be an anxious experience.

Eleanor got up and approached the nurse. "Where is my son? Is he okay?"

"I-I am very sorry. He- your son- the surgery was unsuccessful. John Laurens was pronounced dead August 27, 2014, at 8:27 pm."

"W-What-"

"I'm so sorry for your loss, ma'am," he said softly before walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for your loss


	3. 3 years, 9 months, and 3 days later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Call me out on anything I do wrong :)

It was almost 4 years since John died. 3 years, 9 months, and 3 days to be exact, and a lot had happened since then.

At the funeral, he had gotten back in touch with some old friends, Hercules Mulligan and Gilbert du Motier (Marquis) de Lafayette-Mulligan. Those two already had a 2-year-old they adopted, William, and now had another adopted son. 2 (almost three) years old Georges.

Alexander moved out of their apartment and moved to a different apartment near his new job at Schuyler K-8. He was going to be an English teacher for the 6th and 7th graders. The school didn't have as many students as other places, making it easier for students to feel comfortable, and for teachers to not stress as much in memorizing names and faces.

6 months later, Alexander had safely given birth to a little boy, Philip. Alexander remembered that day so clearly. It might've been the drugs or hormones, but he cried so much that day. John wasn't there. He wasn't there to see his child take his first breath. He wouldn't be there to see Philip walk or talk for the first time. He was alone.

Alexander decided to breastfeed Philip. That was hell. His dysphoria skyrocketed, but at the same time, he loved Philip with every cell, every atomic structure in his body. He would give Philip the world.

Unfortunately, due to his injuries from the car crash, he had developed asthma. It wasn't too severe, it mostly acted up when he was running or walking too fast, but he always carried an inhaler with him just in case. When he found out he couldn't wear a binder or too tight sports bras, he was devastated, but _health comes first_ , he would remind himself.

A little over a year later, Alexander finally started taking testosterone shots. His family and close friends had a big party to celebrate. Of course, for memories, he documented his first day, first week, first month, ect. He knew John would be so happy.

He still missed John. A lot. He never got over him, and he never felt the need to. Alexander had Philip. He didn't need a partner.

The school he worked at, Schuyler, was nice- no, beautiful. The front had a modestly sized flower garden. The center had a tall birch tree that towered over everything. Surrounding the tree was a large patch of grass with beautiful daisies and dandelions.

Elizabeth Schuyler (or Eliza as she preferred), the kindergarten teacher was his best friend there. Apparently, one of her grandparents bought or founded this school a while back. She was an absolute angel. From the time he had started teaching, to now, Eliza had always helped him. The best part of her being the kindergarten teacher was he got to see William when he stopped by.

Yes, the exterior of Schuyler K-8 was incredible, but Alexander's favorite part of the school was _his_ classroom. He wanted his students to feel comfortable and welcome, so there were mini pride flags and rainbows everywhere. On his desk, there was a transgender flag hanging. It was trimmed so the fabric wouldn't drag on the floor and get dirty or trip a student.

He's been working there for almost 4 years, and all the other teachers were nice enough. He didn't have anything against them, and hopefully neither did they. The real problem was the principal, John Adams.

John Adams was one of _those_ cisgender heterosexuals. He was racist, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, sexist, ect. Alexander was definitely his least favorite. Adams had threatened to fire him multiple times before for speaking out and his classroom decorations. The only reason why he hasn't been fired yet is because Adams barely does his job, and the school needs good ratings. He's always at home with his wife. Adams isn't even at work most of the time. He'll probably be at home with his wife.

At least Suzanna, the vice-principal, and Adam's daughter was a decent person. She was a sweet young woman. Always apologizing for her father's actions and words. Alexander applauded her for learning and not just sticking to whatever was fed to her. She was a hard worker. While her father slacked off at home, she was doing all the work. Then, that fat motherfucker still has the _audacity_ to say that women should stay in the kitchen where they belong.

The students were nice. Most were respectful to all the other students and teachers. Really, the only bullying that would happen there is from Adams.

During his third year, Adams didn't show up at all, so he figured it was safe to start a GSA. He co-directed the club with Eliza's sister, Peggy, because he was also director of the creative writing club. Directing both and teaching would be too much for him.

Peggy was a ball of sunshine. Her smiles and laughs were always contagious. Like her sister, she would always be there for you.

At the moment, Peggy is just a helper and a substitute teacher. She's still taking classes to become a therapist, and all this time with kids would help her.

A couple of weeks ago, Philip turned three. He would be attending preschool next year at Schuyler K-8. The tuition was a little expensive, but being a teacher there has it's perks.

Right now, Alexander was standing in front of the bathroom mirror cringing at his face. His acne was acting up again. He washed his face before applying some cheap acne cream he bought at Target.

_7:37 am_

His first class started at 9:00 and he had to be by 8:15 so he had plenty of time to get ready. Although he wasn't in preschool yet, Philip was already learning a lot. During his classes, Alexander would ask Peggy to babysit for him, and Peggy would often work with the pre-kindergartners.

He brushed his teeth and went back into his room. Today, his outfit was gray sweatpants, a loose peach shirt, and a black hoodie just in case. He slipped on a sports bra before putting on his shirt and pants. Even though he passed most of the time, he always clipped on a pronoun button just in case.

He wasn't hungry, so for himself, he made some coffee and packed a peanut butter granola bar for later. For Philip, he made some scrambled eggs. For Philip's lunch, he packed the leftover mac and cheese from last night. For his, he grabbed the packaged salad from the fridge.

It was 7:51, so he needed to wake up Philip. He felt bad because Philip didn't really get to sleep in like other kids, but he always took a little nap in the car.

Philip ate and Alexander got their stuff ready. He buckled Philip into his car seat before driving off to the school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have an amazing day, loves! <3


	4. I got the knives 🔪

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobic and transphobic slurs. summary will be at the bottom. please don't read if this very negatively affects you. no matter what anyone says, you are valid <3

Alexander made it just in time to drop off Philip and set up his classroom for the first period. Today, they were reviewing stuff from last week for a benchmark test. It was just to see how his students were doing. He wanted to see what they were doing well with, and what they were struggling with. Their glows and grows.

The first period went perfectly. Only 1 student was absent and 2 were coming in during lunch to finish the test. His next class was good too, there were 5 absent kids but everyone finished this time.

Right now, Alexander was heading into the teacher's lounge to pick up his salad. He brought his lunch into his classroom so he could watch over the kids and get some work done. Of course, he got distracted by a random thought. That thought turned into a key plot point for a story, and that plot point that turned into him writing for the rest of his lunch period. I mean, he still got work done.

The last period was an absolute mess. His copies of the test weren't where he swore he left them, so he had to go out and make more. That took way too long, leaving the kids with less time for the test. Half of the kids didn't finish, so he would be watching over about 14 students after school. He texted Peggy, telling her he would be late to the GSA meeting and asking her to watch Philip a little longer. Usually, Alexander would take the time between the end of school and the start of GSA to leave Philip with someone else, but he was too busy today. Luckily, Peggy was understanding.

He got there an hour before the club ended. All the kids were finished with their tests and Alexander got all of the paperwork sorted out for grading tomorrow.

The student's voices died down to a whisper as the door opened. Alexander walked in. He was happy to be there, of course. He was always happy to be supporting his kids, but today he was tired. Hopefully, this meeting would be smooth and he could go home with a slight smile on his face.

"Hey, Peggy."

"Alex!" Peggy smiled, and of course, now Alexander was smiling. She was literally the human version of the color yellow. Not to mention that was her signature color too.

"You're literally perfect. Thank you so much." Alexander hugged her.

"It's no problem, Alex. You know I barely get any work here anyway," she said. "And it's not like Philip's a huge problem. He's not a menace."

"Yeah, thank god. I could never handle that."

Peggy laughed. "Um, he's over there." She pointed to a spot in the room.

Philip was sitting in a chair drawing something. There were a few kids talking to him. Alexander smiled at the scene.

"Thank you again," he said before walking to his son. "Hey, Pip."

Philip looked up at Alexander, his face beaming. "Papa!"

After a few minutes of talking with his son, Alexander got in front of the class and actually started talking to the club. Since Alexander was tired, he talked about one of the things they touched on last week and left the kids to have their own discussion. He sat behind the teacher's desk with his laptop and began typing an intro to another chapter. With 2o minutes left of the meeting, Peggy had to leave early due to an issue in Eliza's classroom.

Alexander checked the time on the corner of the laptop's screen. 5 minutes left, perfect. He shut off the device and stored it away. He got up and announced to the class, "Alright, start packing up. The meeting ends in-"

He was cut off by a sharp knock at the door and a loud, booming voice, "Open the door."

Alexander recognized that voice all too well. It was a voice he didn't want to admit scared him. Why was he here? He wasn't supposed to be here. He started panicking. The man behind that door wasn't going to hurt anyone. Alexander wouldn't let him no matter what.

"Hey, guys, change of plan. I'm going to open the door and you're all going to go to Eliza's room. I'm sure one of you knows where it is. And take Philip with you," Alexander rushed out in a hushed whisper.

"Mr. Ham-"

"Just go. I'm going to open the door, okay?"

All the kids nodded and lined up behind the door.

Another sharp knock.

"Open up. No one's supposed to be in here."

Alexander took a deep breath. He slowly opened the door and let the kids run past the man.

"I apologize, Mr. Adams. I were- uh, was- um, holding them hostage," he tried to joke. "I, um, they were just finishing up a test for me and just wanted to get away I guess." His heart was pounding. Although they were the same height, Adams was towering over him with his menacing scowl.

"What is this?" Adams spat, throwing a cardboard sign at Alexander's chest. It was the sign he put up on the door during all the meetings.

**_🌈GSA Club!🌈_ **

**_Anyone is welcome!_ **

Alexander's eyes widened. He opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out.

Fuck.

_Fuck._

_C'mon, speak goddamnit!_

"I asked you a question, _tranny,_ " Adams hissed.

Alexander's breathing started to pick up. This was a terrible decision. Why? _Why?_ Why the fuck did he decide to start a GSA in a school with a horribly bigoted principal?

Alexander tried to defend himself. He wasn't going to let a man like this affect him so much. He was stronger than that. "You-you have _no_ right to use that word, Mr. Adams." 

"I'll use whatever damn words I please. Now, tell me, why must you destroy our school's image by defending these _fags_. Just because I'm not here doesn't mean you get to do these terrible things."

 _"Me?"_ Alexander laughed. "Sir, if anyone's ruining our school's image, it's you. I'm just trying to help our students."

 _"That's far enough, Naomi,"_ Adams growled. "I'm done with you. I've warned you far too many times. Pack up your stuff and _get the hell off campus."_

Although Alexander had expected this, it was still unbelievable. What was he supposed to do next? He knew his parents would financially support him no matter what but he needed to be on his own. He already relied on them so much as it is. Fairly often, Philip would stay over with them when Alexander needed. Like when he needed to stay at school for longer than originally intended- today, for example, or when he just needed to be alone because he needed to clear his head. In those times he could barely take care of himself, let alone another human being.

"Mr. Adams-"

"Now, Naomi. You've had your chances to fix yourself. This whole agenda you have going on has gone too far. You're nothing more than a _worthless little girl_. A _slut-"_

Oh boy, this one was too far. Adams had no right to judge him. He knew who he was. His family and friends knew who he was. That's all that mattered to him.

"-you can come back once you've fixed your head. Until then, leave or I'll have to get campus security."

Alexander hardly knew what happened next after he threw the punch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Alexander goes to work and things go smoothly for the most part. Until after school clubs. The principal, John Adams, comes back to the school out of the blue and finds out about the GSA. The students leave with Philip and go to Eliza's room. After a certain choice of words, Alexander gets fired. The rage gets to him after other certain words and Alexander throws a punch.
> 
> What if I just left you on a cliffhanger for like, a week? It's very tempting


	5. He just needs a hug :(

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to that one person on AO3 who just fucking predicted the whole book

Alexander hardly knew what happened next after he threw the punch.

He ended up being dragged off the property by security while kicking and screaming. It was definitely a picture.

After collecting himself and a promise not to do anything rash and/or violent, he was allowed back in only to collect his things and his son.

The first thing he did was go into his classroom. The last thing he needed was to involve Philip in all this. Luckily, he brought his backpack with him today so only one trip was necessary. The inside of his classroom was a mess. The few pride flags he had were either ripped up or missing.

It broke Alexander's heart. No one deserved to grow up in a hostile situation like this where they could be beaten and mentally abused. At least most of the teachers and students weren't like Adams. He was lucky enough to be adopted by the Washingtons. Not everyone was so open-minded and accepting.

"Mr. Hamilton!" Someone called out to him. Alexander turned. It was Suzanna. "I'm so sorry. If I knew he was coming I would've-"

"Hey, it's okay," he said with a bitter smile. "What's done is done and there's nothing either of us can do."

"I'm still sorry..."

"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong." He patted her on the back and walked off to pick up his son.

-

Eliza was there when the whole scene with Adams was happening. She knew something was wrong when a mess of kids flooded into her room while she was packing up for the day. No one had any valid reason to be there. Except for Peggy, of course. Eliza needed to get home early so she asked her sister to help pack up.

She asked what they were all doing there, especially with Philip. Alexander was so protective of his son. He wouldn't leave Philip alone with a group of irresponsible pre-teens. They all gave vague answers because they didn't know what was going on either. So then, she did the only logical thing she could think of: go out and find what the problem was.

It wasn't regret that she felt. No, not exactly. It was more like... pity? Or rage? It was a whole messy, flurry of emotions. All she knew was that she was ready to storm in and personally beat Adams to a pulp. Eliza was always ready to fight for others and what was right but at that moment, it definitely wouldn't be the best option. It broke her to see the hurt in her friend's eyes as the absolute fucktard of a man spewed hate messages to him. The only agenda Alexander had was to make this school a safer place for the students. That's why he formed the GSA in a school with a bigoted principal. It seemed safe enough. After all, Adams was never on campus.

Eliza watched as Alexander swung his fist at Adam's face. Alexander was never a very strong person but with that much hurt and rage, anyone could have enough adrenaline to hit and wound a man Adams' size.

Eliza saw her friend being dragged off of school property. She saw the way he sobbed in pain, saw that all he needed was some reassurance and a hug. When provoked, he was always aggressive but it was never at a level that it was at then. All Eliza wanted to do was give him a hug but she needed to be there for the other scared kids. For Philip. She decided that getting home earlier was not as important as this. It surely wasn't. Her friend was in pain and she needed to help any way she could.

-

By now, Alexander had wiped off his tears. His eyes were still puffy but right now, he didn't really care. All he needed to do was pick up his son and then he could leave. At least he had the luxury of being able to be miserable for the rest of the day and worry about finances tomorrow. Right now, he just needed to find someone who would be able to watch Philip for the next few days. He knew he wouldn't be able to function enough to take care of him and Philip didn't deserve that. Alexander would never put his son in a situation like that unless it was completely necessary.

In this situation, he would ask his friend, Martha Manning, who was also his neighbor, to watch him. It was ideal. Philip was nearby and if he needed, he could pick him up quickly. But he couldn't at the moment. Martha was going through some of her own stuff and he didn't think her daughter, Frances, could handle Philip. Besides, he would never put that much stress on a 1o-year-old. She already needed to help her mother.

Alexander clicked on one of his contacts. Martha Washington, his mother.

After 2 rings, he heard the line connecting.

_"Hey, how's my beautiful boy doing?"_

He found himself tearing up at her words. She had barely said anything and he was already getting emotional. Martha was the first person he trusted when he moved to America. Of course, he was in a few other homes before, but his guard was always up. She was the first person he came out to. As both bisexual and transgender.

Alexander let out a sad chuckle. "Hi, Mom. I'm uh, you know, I don't really know..."

_"That's perfectly alright, dear. What's up?"_

"Can you, um, I'm really sorry that this is so last minute, but could you watch Philip for me?"

_"Of course, Alex. You know I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to spend time with my grandson. How long do you need?"_

"I-I don't really know. A couple of days, I think."

_"Sure! You know your father and I wouldn't mind at all."_

"I know... I just... y'know?"

_"I don't, dear, but it's okay."_

"Thank you so much. I'll swing by soon?"

_"Perfect. I love you, Alexander."_

"I love you too, Mom."

Alexander hung up and opened up the door to Eliza's classroom. Inside, he saw all of the GSA members, Peggy, Eliza, and Philip. They were all either confused, scared, or a mix of both. Eliza embraced him with a hug. He really needed that.

Wow. He didn't think he could cry this much, yet here he was.

"Yeah, as much as I love this sappy reunion," Alexander started, sniffling. "I gotta get going before they drag me out again."

Peggy bit her lip but nodded, letting go. Eliza gave him another small hug and whispered in his ear, "Call me." When pulling away, he nodded.

Alexander led Philip out of the school and into his car.

Fuck, it was raining. _Goddammit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos?
> 
> have a beautiful day <3


	6. Phililp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really proud of this chapter
> 
> TW: asthma attack, sad thoughts

"Hey, Pip, I'm gonna drop you off at grandma and grandpa's house, okay?" Alexander looked through the rear-view mirror and saw Philip nodding. Perfect.

The whole time, his hands gripped the steering wheel, desperately trying not to let them start shaking. He wanted to cry. God, he wanted to so bad, but he needed to focus on driving. Eyes on the road. He was almost there.

Alexander bit his lip, anxiously waiting for the stoplight to turn green. He shut his eyes to take a deep breath. The overwhelming pitter-pattering of the rain only made him more stressed. He really couldn't catch a break today, could he? You know what? No, he was going to cry a little bit then. He was tired and stressed and-

A loud honk startled him out of his head. The light was green. He let out a shuddering gasp as he struggled not to start hyperventilating.

_Just drive. Lift your foot off the fucking brake._

The honks started getting louder and his foot just wouldn't move. So he shut his eyes again, trying to take a breath. It was all okay. He was just being dramatic and such. He managed to press on the gas just in time for the light to turn yellow, bringing a few curses from the people behind him.

He couldn't handle this anymore.

Alexander drove into a parking lot. Maybe a Target or a Walmart or something. It was starting to get hard to breathe and he couldn't stop hacking. Philip was sleeping so he had to try to manage his asthma attack as quietly as possible. His breathing only picked up again as his inhaler was nowhere to be found.

_Panicking won't help anything, dumbass._

But he still did. He still started silently sobbing, smacking his head back onto the headrest. People around him stared for a moment and just looked away. They thought he was crazy. Maybe he was.

_This is fucking pathetic. What the fuck are you doing?_

Why was he even crying? Was it stress? Because he lost his inhaler? It was most likely both. Wow, a temper tantrum because of a minor inconvenience, how very Alexander Hamilton.

_You're a goddamn child. Pick yourself up._

Alexander couldn't stop crying and coughing. He could feel the phlegm closing up his throat and every second, it got harder and harder to stay silent. He couldn't breathe and the loud gasping was only going to make more trouble. He started squirming in his seat, causing his wet shoes to start making squeaking noises against the surfaces of his car. How was Philip still asleep?

_You're such a failure, a disappointment._

"Shut-" he cut himself off with another gasping cough.

_Your son needs you and you're over here fucking things up. Wow._

"Shut up," he whispered.

_Just accept it. You're a girl and there's nothing you can do about it._

"Stop. _Stop it_ ," he cried.

_You're a girl and you know it. Wow, she really wants to be oppressed that badly, huh? Fucking attention whore._

"Please stop." Alexander banged his head on the cushion one more time before just hiding in his arms. "Stop," he said. His voice was cracking and he just wanted to disappear. He wanted to pretend he didn't exist...

But Philip needed him.

Philip.

He was the only thing that grounded him. Philip was the only person who mattered. He had to breathe. He needed to be okay. _For Philip._

So Alexander clenched his eyes shut.

_Philip._

He took a deep breath through his nose. He recalled the first time Philip was in his arms. Philip looked so fragile and Alexander just wanted to make him feel safe and loved. He wanted to make sure Philip never touched harm in his life. He took another deep breath, sighing at the feeling of the oxygen smoothly entering his lungs.

Alexander popped a cough drop into his mouth and drove off. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew there was something wrong with what he said to himself, but for now, he brushed it off as stress. His brain could be sorted through when he was not on the verge of tears.

He made sure to check his eyes still weren't red and puffy before knocking on his parent's house. The Washingtons had always lived there, and Alexander liked that. It was always a familiar sight. The same feeling of warmth, and while the kitchen always smelled different from the food Martha was cooking, it somehow managed to feel the same as well. Whatever she cooked was made with love and anyone who ate a bite could taste it. Martha let him in, and today, the kitchen smelled like freshly baked cookies.

"Come, sit. Your father should be home soon. He said something about a meeting with one of his employees," Martha said, leading him and Philip to the couch. "Now, how are my favorite boys doing?" Philip climbed into her lap, giggling when she tickled his stomach.

"We're doing alright," Alexander lied, biting his lip. He always hated lying to Martha, but he didn't need pity right now.

Martha stared at him for a moment. "Well, that great. You sounded really stressed over the phone." He just nodded slowly. "Are you sure you're okay?" He nodded again.

"Yeah, yeah, why-why do you ask?"

"Your breathing kinda, um, like you're starting to hyperventilate and your eyes are all glossy." Alexander stayed silent, rubbing his knuckles. "Hun, if you don't want to talk about what happened, just say so. Please don't lie and say you're fine."

Slowly, he shifted towards her. "Can I have a hug?" he mumbled.

She gave him a sad smile, holding her son in her arms. "Of course you can, my handsome boy."

-

Alexander decided to stay long enough for George to come home. He'd planned on talking to him and Martha alone for a bit so it was a surprise when he came home with a coworker.

"Hello, Alexander," George greeted, obviously in a rush.

"Hi, I'm so sorry, I'll be out of your hair soon," the coworker said with his head lowered, allowing for his wispy, dark curls to hide his face. From what Alexander could see, the man was dark-skinned and easily at least 6 feet tall. Alexander saw the confident, assholey stance the man took while entering the room so the new, shy demeanor was a bit shocking.

"Yes," George confirmed. "I left a few documents in my office, but we'll be done soon."

"That's alright, dear." Martha stood up, taking a sleeping Philip to lay down.

-

Soon turned into a few hours and both the man, who Alexander learned was named Thomas Jefferson, and he ended up staying for dinner. Thomas seemed to hate him or something because his cocky attitude had come back and he acted like Alexander wasn't even there. He wouldn't even look in his direction. Thankfully, the asshole left after dinner, allowing Alexander to talk to his parents. There weren't any tears this time, though it was close.

"Son, you should sue," George said.

"Probably, but you know how much money and time that could take!" Alexander yelled.

"We'll figure something out, dear." Martha rubbed his arm in a calming matter.

"No, I need to figure something out."

"You're allowed to need help, Alex," George said.

"I know, I just-" he sighed. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's alright." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a beautiful day! love you <3


	7. One week later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: internalized homophobia kinda

From the moment Thomas laid eyes on him, he hated him. He hated his stupidly cute face, how he caused the weird fluttering in his stomach and his cheeks to darken. He hated how he couldn't stop thinking about him. It's been about a week and he was still all Thomas could think about. Luckily, he was just wrapping up a theft case so he wasn't too behind on work. Most importantly, he hated how sad he looked. It broke his heart.

He just wanted to cuddle him and kiss his sadness away. He wanted to see his smile and hear his laugh. His hair and his lips looked so soft-

_Why couldn't I just be normal?_

Thomas grew up in a strictly conservative, religious household. You were either straight and Christian or you were disowned. Thomas was neither of those so he never really kept in touch with his family after he moved out.

He had gotten married, per his parents' wishes, but that didn't last long. They split up after Thomas realized he was gay and deep in the pits of the Mariana Trench of denial. Martha Wayles was beautiful, but after she was out of the picture, he realized how toxic she really was.

He was already enough of a disappointment with the divorce. They all thought Martha was perfect. As far as they know, he and Martha just didn't click. He didn't want to find out what would happen if they knew he wasn't straight. It's been about a year and a half since the divorce and Martha still hasn't told his family. Of course, Thomas is grateful, but he's terrified of what Martha might use that information for.

He was terrified of getting disowned. He was terrified of being out because he didn't know what his parents would do to him. What if they just left him? What if they just stopped loving him? He was terrified of being alone. Sure, Martha wasn't the best wife, but at least it felt like he mattered. At least it felt like someone would miss him if he left. At least he didn't feel so alone.

One of the reasons Thomas wasn't a religious Christian was because everything was supposed to happen for a reason. He was taught that God made you the way you were for a reason. What the hell did Thomas possibly do wrong for Him to punish him like this? Why did he have to be gay? He was taught 'to love thy neighbor' but I guess that only applied to cisgender straight people.

That's why he was pretending Alexander didn't exist at the dinner. It was easier to pretend problems don't exist instead of facing them. When Mrs. Washington asked, he didn't want to be rude, but he also wasn't in the right mindset to lie.

"Why can't I just be attracted to women." Thomas threw a pillow at his wall and laid down on his bed, starting to cry. He despised himself for being the disappointment. All of his siblings- even the youngest- were already married and half of them had kids. They all either had amazingly well-paying jobs or a spouse who did. They were all successful and there he was. The oldest and a divorcee with no kids. He could really see why they claimed _him_ the disappointment.

-

"Liz, I swear to god, he's such a fucking asshole!" Alexander began ranting.

"You barely know the guy," Eliza said.

"Yeah, but-"

"You met him once," she pointed out.

"Eliza-"

"So why do you keep talking about him? It's been a week and you won't stop talking about him."

"It's because he's an asshole."

"Yes, perfect explanation, Alexander." She rolled her eyes. "How are you dealing with the whole Adams situation? All of your students miss you, by the way."

Alexander stuck his tongue out, choosing to ignore the question. "I gotta go now. Thanks for watching Pip. I'll find a babysitter soon. I promise."

"No problem. Stay safe," Eliza called out.

Alexander made his way back to the apartment with Philip. At the moment, he was working at a cafe and a side project while looking for other schools to hire him. After those few days by himself, he did what he did best. Work.

Usually, he would wake up at 6 am and do his morning routine which consisted of breakfast, coffee, and getting him and Philip ready for the day. At 7:30 he would drop Philip off with someone. He was still looking for a babysitter. He would get to work at around 8:45 and start his shift at 9. During lunch and breaks, he would be working on his side project which was just a bunch of one-shots sewn together with a plotline he was still working on. The cafe would get about 26 Karens a day, half of which he would have to handle. When he got off work, he would pick up Philip and spend time with him. After dinner and putting his son to bed, he would work on the book until his eyes wouldn't open.

-

Of course, George knew how long and how expensive lawsuits were. He taught, learned, and worked in law. He knew an assault charge wasn't the way to deal with this situation, but it damn well felt like it. No one deserved what his son got. No one deserved to be fired over something they couldn't control like gender or sexual orientation. Alexander was hardworking and loved all of the students very much. Anyone with a sliver of human decency could see and acknowledge that.

George wanted- no needed to do something about it. No one was going to hurt his son and get away with it. He was going to bury Adams physically or metaphorically it really didn't matter. He was willing to do anything as long as it didn't land him in jail. If he pulled a few strings he could probably get Alexander on board with his friends. He just needed to think and make a few calls.

-

"I could pay for the lawyer and everything I just need you to-" George was trying to convince Alexander to file the lawsuit. It wasn't going too good so far.

_"Dad, I can't ask you to do that."_

"Please, let me. You do want to fix what happened, right?"

_"Yeah..."_

"And you do want to destroy him and his career, right?"

_"Yes, yes I do."_

"And you want to help all those kids, ri-"

_"Fine. Fine, I'll do it. I'm paying you back, though."_

"Son-"

_"Please?"_

"We will talk more about this later."

_"Okay. Thank you."_

"Bye." George hung up. This could really work.

-

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in." George sat up, seeing Thomas walk in. "Mr. Jefferson." He gestured to the chair in front of his desk, inviting the man to sit. "I have your next case."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a beautiful day! I love you <3


	8. "love is love is love is love is love..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Transphobic slur, internalized homophobia, homophobic slur, homophobia. don't read if this upsets you. summary will be at the bottom <3

Thomas raised an eyebrow. A new case. Perfect. Something busy to distract himself from his head.

"My son, Alexander-"

 _Fuck_.

God- _fucking_ -dammit.

Thomas put on a pained smile, nodding along to the conversation.

"-file a lawsuit against John Adams and also get his teaching credentials taken away," George said. "There's not too much information on Adams at the moment, except for a witness, but here's a file." He handed him a Manila folder. "That has some information on Adams and Alexander."

"Thank you, sir." Thomas stood up, heading for the door.

"Oh, and Thomas?" Thomas turned. "Good luck. I'll be expecting a report in two weeks."

"Yes, sir."

-

"Alexander Hamilton," Thomas muttered, using Google to search for any information on the man. He had a few public platforms Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Thomas ended up stalking the man's page for three hours. No, he didn't get distracted by the photos of the man with captions like, 'istg how is it possible for me to look even more female' and trying to fight the urge to spam compliments at him because he was his lawyer and that would be weird. No, no, definitely not.

He totally wasn't distracted by the way Alexander's big, brown eyes glimmered in the sunlight. Or, the pure look of adoration he had on his face while looking at his son. Nope. Thomas didn't even once lose track of time because he was replaying videos of him laughing with friends. He didn't ever get entranced by that beautiful sound. Nope, nope, nope.

"What the fuck is wrong with me," Thomas sighed.

-

Alexander tore his eyes and arms away from his laptop and reached for his ringing phone.

_Incoming call from 'Lafayette'_

"Hey, Laf."

_"Mon ami, you are not busy, are you?"_

"Not really, Laf."

_"Great! We have much to catch up on!"_

Alexander bitterly laughed. This was going to be a fun two hours.

_"I swear I will find Adams and no one will ever find the body."_

"Laf, it's fine. I'm fine."

_"Aw, mon petit lion, so brave. No need to lie. I am here for you."_

"Laf, I'm fine."

_"Alex-"_

"I said, I'm fine," he urged.

_"Alright. Next thing, then," Laf said. "How's the case going?"_

"Just starting. God, this is going to take so long."

_"Have some hope, mon ami. All will go well. I'm helping on the case as well."_

-

"Hi," Alexander said, waving at the receptionist. He loved the familiarity of the building. George had been working here since before he'd been living with them. Alexander spent a lot of his free time here. Of course, people had retired or been fired but it was mostly the same. The brick building had stayed brick, the lights still had the same old look and still barely lit a room-

"Hello, Alexander!"

-and the same receptionist. He was a now old, sweet man named Perry. He would always give Alexander candy when he visited and talked to him when George was busy.

Alexander took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"Hi, Dad."

"Alexander." George shut his laptop. "I'll keep this short. I know you're busy."

George informed him of the details of the case; who his lawyers were, what would be happening, and a timeline. It wasn't all set in stone so these details would be changing, but that was what he had so far.

"Mr. Jefferson? _Thomas Jefferson?"_ Alexander asked.

"Yes-"

"No, god no!"

"He's one of the best lawyers I have working here, son. If anyone can win you this case, it's him."

"Why can't Lafayette just handle this? Why do I need both of them?"

George sighed. "So you can win this case. You want it to be quick and easy, right? So you need both of them."

Alexander internally groaned but nodded. "Why would he even want to help me? He literally hates me for no reason."

"I'm sure he doesn't, son."

"He literally hates me," Alexander deadpanned.

"You know what? No. Just meet up with them and if it doesn't work out, let me know, but promise you'll try."

"I promise..."

-

Lafayette and Hercules came over to Alexander's apartment that night. They had dinner to catch up while the kids played together.

"I assure you, mon ami, Thomas isn't all bad."

Alexander scoffed. "Sure, I'll believe it when I see it."

He reached for another coffee cup, but Hercules stopped him. "Alex, we're not going to sit here and let you fuel your caffeine addiction. You're literally shaking right now."

"Mon ami, maybe drink some water?"

"I'm good."

After a few hours, they left. Alexander just laid in bed after putting Philip to sleep. He couldn't sleep and he couldn't write. There wasn't any work he could do since he worked at a cafe, so he just stared at the ceiling. He thought about what everyone else had been saying. They said, "Thomas isn't rude." Then why was he rude to him? Was he really that unlikeable?

_Fucking tranny._

_Girl._

_Worthless slut._

_Naomi._

"Yep..." Alexander decided.

-

Why did he have to be so gorgeous? Why did his smile seem to brighten his life? Why did his voice have to enchant him and make him feel so helpless?

Alexander wasn't helping his case at all. Alexander was straight. He wasn't gay and Thomas wasn't either. People weren't _gay_. Why would people choose to be _gay?_ That was disgusting. He wasn't disgusting. He was normal. He wasn't the attention seeker.

Marriage was supposed to be between a man and a woman. Why couldn't he get that through his head? He couldn't be gay. He was straight. He couldn't be one of _those_ people.

_"Ugh, that faggot got what he deserved," his father, Peter, sneered. "Kudos to the other guy."_

_The news had just reported a gay man getting beaten up by a homophobe- or hero, as his family had called him- after giving his partner a kiss on the cheek. It was a small public gesture and he got beaten up to a pulp. While his whole family cheered, he stood there, paralyzed._

_It scared him._

_Why did it scare him so much? He was straight. He didn't have to worry about that happening to him. He could kiss his wife without any fear of someone beating him up. Public affection was allowed. So why did it scare him? Why did it feel so wrong? He was straight... right?_

_"If any of you choose to be a freak like that guy, there will be punishments."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: George assigns the case to Thomas and informs Alexander on the case status. Alexander can't sleep and is kept up by thoughts that he's unlikeable. Thomas is helpless over Alexander.
> 
> Have a beautiful day! I love you, stay safe <3


	9. Aw, they're so cute!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm running out of pre-written chapters... hopefully I manage to write a decent amount this weekend

"Please stop yelling, ma'am. You're upsetting the other customers," Alexander deadpanned. He'd gone through this at least three times today already and it was only 10 am. He really wasn't in the mood.

"No! I'll do whatever I want! My body, my choice, right?" The Karen smirked.

Wow. The Karen really thought she won.

Should he keep her calm, or absolutely destroy her argument?

Alexander made his choice when he opened his mouth. "Actually ma'am-"

Of course, the argument escalated into a fight and somehow, he didn't get fired and was let off with a warning. Lucky. He knows he's on thin ice. It would probably best to keep his volume low for the rest of the day.

-

Today had been too long a day for Thomas. His mind wouldn't stop working and wandering and wandering and wandering. He'd been doing research on the school and Adam's history for the case and somehow, he ended up on Alexander's Instagram. After that, his mind just completely wiped his entire memory of the day. It was just Alexander. Now, everything was about Alexander. God, Thomas hated him so much.

After a while of scrolling, Thomas came across a familiar account. Oh my god. Martha Wayles. It looked like she was well off. She was remarried and had a son. Wow, she was doing very well in life.

Thomas' finger hovered over the message button. He shouldn't. She hates him and he deleted her number. He wanted to talk to her, though. Why? He didn't have any questions. He didn't need anything. He was really _that_ lonely, huh? Lonely enough to scamper to his homophobic ex-wife and beg for forgiveness? To take him back? Pathetic.

That's all that Thomas believed he was.

 _Pathetic boy craving attention so much he has to force himself to like a_ man _._

_Pathetic boy craving attention so much he makes himself a failure and will bring down the Jefferson name._

_Pathetic boy craving attention so much he leaves his wife. A beautiful woman who would make beautiful_ straight-cisgender _sons._

_Pathetic._

So he didn't message her. But after Alexander, Ms. Wayles made her way over, burning herself and memories of her into the back of Thomas' mind. Every fight, every kiss, every time she convinced him to have sex, everything. He just wanted it all to stop. He wanted his brain to just stop functioning.

Of course, it didn't happen, but it's nice to want things.

Thomas was grateful for whoever just knocked on his door. _Finally, a distraction_.

"Thomas!"

He was even more grateful and thanked whatever deity was up there when he realized it was Lafayette. The man was basically the definition of distractions.

"Thomas, mon ami!" Lafayette brought them into a hug. "How are you?"

Thomas thought for a moment. How was he? Was he okay? Like, actually okay? What should he say? He didn't know. Should he just go with the safe option and say he was good? Should he just be honest?

"Eh," he decided. "I'm still alive, right?"

"That's the spirit!" Lafayette sat down and spread out all his files in their case. "Tell me, what have you done? Alexandre is upset at you."

"Hm?"

"He thinks you hate him," Lafayette said.

"Well, I wouldn't be taking the case if I didn't like him, would I?"

"What did you do?"

"I didn't mean to make him upset, okay?" Thomas sighed. "Let's just work on the case, Laf."

Lafayette nodded. He pulled out his laptop and typed a text message to Alexander.

**Lafayette: Can you send us what your schedule looks like? We need to plan where and when to meet up** **.**

**Alexander: [3 images attached]**

**Lafayette: Thanks :)**

**Alexander: Say hi to Herc and the kids for me and Philip**

**Lafayette: Ofc**

He looked over and saw his partner staring at his laptop screen, cheeks slightly flushed. He had a small smile on his face but soon started to furrow his brows and chew on his bottom lip. Lafayette quirked an eyebrow.

"Thomas?"

"Hm?"

"You are working on the case, right? What were you looking at?" Lafayette asked.

Thomas nodded. "Oh yeah, sorry. I just zoned out, I guess..."

"Alright."

-

"Papa?" Philip tugged at Alexander's shirt to get his attention. Alexander shut his laptop and put it aside.

"Hey, buddy. C'mere." He patted a spot in his lap for Philip to sit in and the boy climbed up. "What's up?"

"I'm bored," the kid whined dramatically.

Alexander chuckled a bit. "Do you wanna help me clean up?"

"No!"

Alexander hummed. "Do you wanna read a book?"

"Papa, that's boring!" Philip exclaimed. "Let's watch a movie!"

Alexander thought for a moment. Nothing seemed too important right now. Work could wait a bit. A movie sounded nice. He'd just leave his ringer on just in case.

"Okay, what movie?"

That was a trick question. They always watched the same movie and that was okay. The Little Mermaid. Both of them loved the movie and would watch it over and over again for the rest of their lives. Alexander had bought the movie and downloaded it so they could watch it whenever. It was their thing.

"Papa!" Philip giggled.

"What?"

"Papa, you know what movie!"

Alexander hugged his son in his arms. "No, I don't think I do."

Philip huffed. "Ariel! The Ariel movie!"

"Well, why didn't you just say so?"

Alexander placed Philip back down on the couch and made his way to the kitchen. Popcorn for the special occasion. He brought the steaming bowl out and passed it to Philip.

"Thank you, Papa."

"Of course, Pip."

Philip scooted into his father's arms and laid his head on Alexander's shoulder. Although Philip and John's death had majorly screwed up his life plan, he was so grateful he decided to keep Philip. It was moments like this he took the second to slow down. His son was already three and would be going to preschool next year.

Shit.

Since he was fired, he wouldn't get employee benefits like lowered tuition prices. Maybe if he-

_Nope, nope. Breathe. Focus on where you are. You're watching a movie with Philip. Watch the movie._

_"Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my-"_

Work can wait.

Alexander pressed a kiss to his son's forehead.

Philip can't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a beautiful day and stay safe! Love you <3


	10. Alexander, calm the fuck down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be every few days <3
> 
> TW: Anxiety Attack

It hadn't been a long day, not even close. It was barely noon and Thomas still hadn't done anything. He had just laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking. Thomas hated thinking. He hated thinking for the same reason he hated being bored. When a person was bored, the only thing they could do was think. A person only really thought when they were bored, and what did they think about? They thought about life. Just thinking and thinking and thinking, and _boom_! The next thing they know, they're in tears.

When Thomas woke up, the first thing he always did was mentally look over his schedule. He cursed when he realized it was empty with the exception of the meeting with Alexander. Free time meant boredom and boredom meant thinking. Thinking meant tears. Tears meant sobbing until 3 am because the person was thinking about how their family wouldn't accept them for being gay and they've been trying to convince themselves that they're not. That this was all just a pathetic scheme for attention because they were always the dramatic, high-maintenance, and attention-seeking child.

At least the sleep was good.

So that's what Thomas did. He thought and thought and thought until he was sobbing again. Repeating the same cycle. The same cycle he would follow until he died. After a few hours, he fell fast asleep.

Sleeping was nice. People couldn't be sad if they were asleep. People couldn't think if they were asleep. You could pass time by sleeping. Sleeping was the only good part of Thomas' day.

-

Thomas woke up to the loud knocking on his front door. He groaned and sat up, starting to stretch. He placed his glasses on his face. No one was supposed to be here... at least from what he remembered. Who would be-

"Oh god, _finally!_ I was-"

Thomas slammed the door shut.

_Right, Alexander and I were supposed to talk about the case..._

The knocking resumed again, followed by Alexander's loud shouting.

He had a meeting and he _forgot_. He had a meeting and he _slept in_. He had a meeting and he was _only in his underwear_. He had a meeting and his apartment _was a mess_. He had a meeting and _he_ was a mess.

_Wow, today has been an incredible day, Thomas._

"Hang on a moment!" Thomas yelled at Alexander.

He dug out some sweatpants and an old t-shirt from his laundry pile and slipped them on. The table was already set up with his papers and laptop thanks to his laziness so, after clothes, all he did was start brewing a pot of coffee.

Alexander scoffed when Thomas opened the door again. He shoved past the taller man and plopped himself onto one of the dining chairs.

"I, erm, there's coffee on the counter if you want," Thomas said quietly. "Cups are in the left cabinet, sugar's by the coffee and milk and creamer's in the fridge."

"No thank you. I'm actually trying to get rid of my caffeine addiction so mini purple Gatorades it is."

"Mr. Hamilton, I apologize for the wait, I know your time is valuable."

"Can we just start?"

Thomas nodded, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm sorry." He sat down and powered up his laptop. "So, what happened? Shit, sorry that was a stupid question..." Thomas sighed. "Can-can you excuse me for a moment? I-I need to use the bathroom."

Alexander huffed. "Fine."

Thomas' limbs trembled as he made his way into the bathroom. His breathing became shallower with every step and everything just felt like too much. He could feel and hear every beat of his heart getting faster and faster. Everything was spinning and his head was pounding and pounding.

The toilet seat was cold, but at least it felt real. At least it was the one thing keeping him somewhat in touch with reality. Why was he even this stressed? Nothing happened. Thomas let out coughy gasps, trying to stop hyperventilating. His hand made its way over to his head in a fist and started smacking.

_Just fucking breathe. It's not even that hard._

Breathe. He just needed to breathe. Why was it so hard to breathe? Why was he having such a big reaction to nothing? So he slept in late. And? What was his problem here?

"Hey, asshole."

Thomas covered up his mouth with his hand, careful not to make a sound.

"What's taking you so long? You've been in there for almost ten minutes now."

Silence.

"Jefferson, I'm on a fucking schedule. Could you be a little more considerate of my time?" Alexander groaned. "Fuck it. I'm coming in."

Thomas' eyes widened. Alexander couldn't see him like this. He was a lawyer. He was supposed to be strong. Only girls cried. He couldn't be seen as weak as this. He wasn't feminine. His suit was a perfectly normal color. He was normal.

The door slammed open and Alexander scanned the room for Thomas. He was found in the corner next to the toilet with his legs hugged to his chest and tears streaming down his face.

Alexander mouthed an 'oh' and sat down cross-legged in front of Thomas. "Can you breathe?"

Thomas was shocked by his sincere tone. Where was the yelling? He shook his head slightly to answer without hurting his head.

Alexander outstretched one of his hands. "Can I touch you?" Thomas nodded and Alexander took his hand. "Okay, I want you to close your eyes and focus on my voice and your breathing. We're going to breathe in for four, hold for four, and exhale for four. Ready?" Alexander took a deep breath. "Two, three, four. And hold. Two, three, four. And exhale. Two, three, four." They repeated the exercises until Thomas was okay. He thanked him but otherwise refused to meet his gaze. "Do you want a hug?"

Thomas shifted farther away from him.

Alexander sighed. "Do you know what triggered your attack?"

Thomas didn't answer.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Again, Thomas didn't speak.

"God, you're so _frustrating,_ " Alexander muttered, startling the other man. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean th-"

Thomas sat up. "Let's just work on the case." His voice was slightly cracked because of the lack of moisture in his throat and his breaths still paused for brief moments but Alexander could still take him very seriously. Thomas just wanted to ignore what had happened and move on. He wanted to appear confident and feel confident. He needed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a beautiful day <3


	11. The author gives you hugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm I should probably plan out my chapters so I don't get stuck again

Alexander was conflicted thinking about yesterday. Yesterday, he met up with Thomas, his lawyer, for the case. Yesterday, he helped Thomas out of an anxiety attack. Sure the guy was an ass, but he forgot that he had feelings too.

He had an anxiety attack and it was his fault. That was such a shitty thing for him to do.

Alexander was stressed, but that wasn't an excuse to hurt someone.

_ "Do you want a hug?" _

_ Thomas shifted farther away from him. _

_ Alexander sighed. "Do you know what triggered your attack?" _

_ Thomas didn't answer. _

_ "Do you want to talk about it?" _

_ Again, Thomas didn't speak. _

_ "God, you're so frustrating," Alexander muttered, startling the other man. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean th-" _

_ Thomas sat up. "Let's just work on the case." _

He stared at his phone trying to think of something to say to Thomas.

**Martha: Unlock your door I'm coming over**

Alexander smiled at the text from his neighbor. Martha had been struggling with some health issues for quite a bit and had been in and out of the hospital for closer observation. Frances, her daughter, would hang out with him and Philip sometimes when her mother was busy. 

"Hey, dipshit," a loud voice yelled from his front door. "I thought I told you to unlock the door."

Alexander laughed and stood up to open the door for Martha. She looked a lot healthier and happier than the last time he saw her. Her skin glimmered in the artificial light and the bags under her eyes were mostly gone. Frances, her daughter, stood beside her, clinging to her arm. Frances had always been a shy girl and hid behind her round glasses and a good book. She was quiet but fun once you got to know her. Freckles splattered across her face like stars in the night sky and her sense of style was incredible for a 10-year-old.

He greeted the two with a hug and a kiss on the cheek as he always did. Philip, who was busy playing with a few stuffed animals on the floor, made grabby hands for Frances to pick him up. Despite the 7 year age difference, the two always managed to get along. Sometimes, Frances would read to him, and sometimes they played with whatever Philip was playing with.

“Ms. Manning,” Alexander mused. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Martha grinned, slightly nudging Alexander’s arm. “You don’t know how much I missed you. Hospitals are so boring.”

“So you do love me!”

“Ass,” Martha teased quietly, careful for the children around her. From what he could tell, she had always been loud. Now, she was trying to cut down on the swearing. “Of course I do. You were my first actual friend in this place.”

Alexander gasped. “I knew it!”

She groaned. “Anyway, what’s up? You haven’t been sending me random writing from students with the caption ‘They better remember me when they’re famous’ for a few weeks.”

“The fucking asshole fired me.”

“Shi- shoot,” she corrected. “Are you guys okay? I mean, what happened?”

“GSA. I knew I should’ve stopped when I could,” Alexander sighed. “Enough about me, you’re out of the hospital! What’s up with that?”

“Just a few more doctor visits and I should be good to go.”

“Finally. It’s too quiet without your weird, loud music.”

“How dare you!” Martha laughed. “Their music is not weird.”

“Whatever you say.” Alexander rolled his eyes playfully. “How are hospital bills? Do you need any help?”

“I hate you so much,” she mumbled. “It’s a little bit rough but I managed to convince my parents to help me.” She huffed. “Alexander Washington Hamilton, you just lost your job. Focus on yourself first.”

Of course, being Alexander Hamilton, he ignored her. “Have they, you know?”

“No, they haven’t met Frances yet. I don’t think they want to but they’re not as cold”

They turned back to look at the kids. Frances was giggling and playing along with whatever Philip was doing. Philip handed her a monkey figurine and grabbed a turtle stuffie. He leaned in and whispered something in Frances’ ear. She nodded, giving the small boy a hug.

“Mama?” Frances stood up and walked to them.

“Yes, baby?”

“Can I borrow your phone?”

“Of course, hun.” Martha handed over the device. “Just don’t download anything.”

“Thank you, Mama.” She pressed a kiss to her mother’s cheek before going to sit down with Philip again.

Martha turned back to Alexander. “You know, she actually really likes hanging out with Pip. She’s not faking or anything just for like, brownie points.

“You know she can come over more often if she likes.”

“I just don’t want her to mess up your schedule. I know I just came into your apartment unannounced but it’s the weekend and…” she trailed off. “I’ll tell you if she wants to come over, alright?”

Alexander nodded. “So, lunch? You guys probably haven’t eaten so is chicken alfredo okay?”

“Yeah, of course. I can he-”

“Nope! I got it!” Alexander called from the kitchen.

“Well if you-”

“I got it!”

“Alright!” Martha yelled back.

Alexander pulled out a cold dish from the fridge. He turned on the stove and heated up the leftover noodles and sauce. His recipe was different from the traditional. Instead of the grilled chicken, he used his son’s favorite dino chicken nuggets. Instead of the fettuccine pasta, he used whatever pasta they had. This time, it was the butterfly one.

He shoved a plate of dino nuggets and into the microwave and set a timer for one minute. He laid out four plates onto the table. Cups filled with water and juice scattered across his table, along with the alfredo dish. Once the timer beeped, he grabbed the hot nuggets and set them next to the alfredo with a pair of scissors.

“Alright, we’re eating at the table because I’m not risking the couch getting dirty,” Alexander announced. 

“Frances, you heard uncle Alex, give me my phone and go wash your hands,” Martha said.

Frances stood up and walked to the kitchen with Philip trailing not too far behind her. The two cleaned themselves up as instructed and sat next to each other at the table. Their parents sat in front of them.

After lunch, Martha, despite his protests, helped Alexander clean up the table and wash the dishes. They sang along to songs playing on Martha’s Spotify playlist.

“You have anything planned for today?” Martha asked.

“Not really, why?”

“We should do something.” She paused to put a plate back in the cabinet. “Like, go to the park.”

“That sounds really amazing,” he started. “But I’m also tired so let’s not do that.”

“M’kay, you wanna watch a movie?”

“Little mermaid?”

Martha sighed. “Fine.”

They sat down and gathered the children onto the couch to watch the movie. As the fisherman began pulling in the new haul of fish, Philip climbed into his father’s lap and rested his head on Alexander’s chest. Frances was snuggled at Martha’s side. The rest of the movie was like that with the not-so-occasional mutters about the movie from Martha and soft humming when the songs came on.

“Next time, I’m bringing the Disney movie,” Martha promised as she stood up to use the bathroom after the movie had ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a beautiful day!! <3


	12. Thomas is conflicted but when is he not- oh look at that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, fuck labels and updating schedules

Thomas buried his head in his hands, reading the next question on the survey. It was an _Am I Gay_ survey. He didn't even know how he ended up here. Yesterday was a whole mess and now he couldn't think of anything but Alexander. He couldn't stop thinking about the way he just sat there and helped him. The way he didn't yell like other people would. The way it seemed like he actually cared.

His fingers faltered on the touchpad as he read the question, " _What do you want to be?_ " What did he want to be? He thought about the obvious answer- straight- but something else poked at the back of his mind. Did he want to be straight because that's what everyone else wanted?

It was all just so confusing and he just wanted to stop. At the same time though, he needed answers. He needed to know if he was... gay.

Luckily for him, there just so happened to be an _I don't know_ button and he clicked on it. The sooner he got through this, the sooner he could start working on the case again.

Thomas dragged the little pointer icon to the submit button and waited. Waiting for what exactly is the thing he didn't know. This should be simple. Just click the touchpad, wait for the website to load, and read the words, "You are straight!"

Still, his hand hovered over the touchpad. Why was this so hard? It was like there was a force field covering the pad. This shouldn't be that hard. Why was he even taking the survey? He was straight and there was no question about it. Right...?

And so, he closed the tab.

The next thing he knew, there was a FaceTime notification popping up on his laptop. It was James. They'd been friends since childhood. Both of their fathers were political figures in the south with old money so it wasn't a surprise that they became friends. Thomas hadn't talked to James since he met Alexander. That was... three weeks ago.

Thomas hadn't talked to James in three weeks because he was busy. It seemed as simple as that, but it wasn't. They hadn't talked in three weeks because Thomas didn't know how James would react if he knew what was going on with him. They didn't really talk about LGBTQ+ rights so he didn't know his stance on that.

Thomas, of course, supported them because why else would he take the case? It was kind of complicated though. God, everything was so complicated now. He supported them but actually being one of them was another thing. He hadn't thought much about it until _him_. He was always told he was straight and that always just stuck.

James, on the other hand, was happily engaged to a beautiful, kind woman, Dolly Payne. The wedding was set for next summer. When the two met, it was love at first sight. Thomas remembered that night like it was yesterday. They were at a dinner party with many famous political figures and Dolly just happened to walk by them as they entered. James couldn't help but keep an eye on her for the rest of the night and ended up leaving Thomas alone with Martha.

Of course, being a good friend (at least he hoped he was), he answered.

_"Thomas, what the fuck?"_

Thomas saw his friend pacing in a circle through the screen.

"James, I'm sorry. I know I've been a shitty friend."

 _"Thank you. I just-"_ James sighed. _"I was worried about you."_

"We should grab coffee or something. When do you get back?"

James also worked for Washington. Right now, he was assigned to a case down south in Mississippi. Thomas didn't know all the details but he knew it was something about a 16-year-old girl and her high school.

James groaned. _"This is going to be a long case but I'll be back up in New York soon and then travel back down here when we get another hearing."_

"That sucks." Thomas decided to switch the subject, "How's Dolly?"

_"I love her so much."_

"I'm glad."

_"She's in Virginia right now, visiting some family but she's good."_

"That's amazing. I'm glad you got yourself a good one."

 _"Me too..._ " James paused. _"I didn't call to talk about me. How are you?"_

"Me?" Thomas hummed. "I'm fine."

James blinked, obviously not buying it. _"Mhm, that's why you didn't call for three weeks."_

"I was just busy!" Thomas defended. "It's just work. I promise."

_"Well, I'm here if you ever need anything. I'll be in New York next week."_

"Same for you- except the last part of course because I'm already in New York. The greatest city in the world. Woo! Except you already knew that so I should stop talking so you don't get annoyed and hate me so I'm just going to stop right now. Sorry."

_"Bye, Thomas."_

"Goodbye, James."

And James hung up.

-

Why did feelings have to be so complicated? The next day, Thomas felt completely fine. Skin shining and everything. After Martha, he just pushed his revelation to the back of his mind, but after Alexander, it started resurfacing. Today though, he felt like he could fight whatever higher power there was. He was whoever he was and no one could tell him otherwise. It was okay to be however he was, to feel however he felt. He wished he could feel like this all the time. Might as well take advantage of it.

The drive to work was filled with him blasting show tunes and belting all of the songs until his throat was raw. He regretted it but it was fun. While walking into the building, he was approached by Lafayette.

"Thomas! You look very-" the Frenchman gestured at Thomas. "I do not know. Just, unlike you." Thomas grew a curious expression. "You look well."

"Do I not look well all the time, _mon ami_?"

"No, not with those disgusting bags all the time," Lafayette teased back. "You are lucky your skin is glowing. It covers them well.

Thomas gasped. "I'll have you know my bags are beautiful."

The other man snorted before walking away. "You should smile more. It suits you."

"What if I love being a bitter winter adult?" Thomas called, walking into his office.

"That's not how you're going to get Alexander!"

Lafayette's voice was just out of earshot so Thomas couldn't exactly hear him. Thomas knew it was on purpose and it made him a bit upset. Not enough to ruin his mood, he knew it was all just teasing, but he was curious.

Thomas pulled his laptop from his dark briefcase and began looking through notes. The next meeting had to be soon so they could get more information on what exactly happened because the last one was... a mess. Thomas decided Lafayette would go with him instead of canceling last minute. He was going to be there no matter what. They needed to make progress; Mr. Washington was going to need a progress report in two days and their knowledge of the case was embarrassing.

With Alexander's contact information on Thomas' laptop screen, he took a deep breath. They hadn't spoken since they finished up that meeting and he definitely did not want to talk about what happened.

**Thomas: When's the best time to meet up again for the case?**

**Thomas: Please reply asap**

**Thomas: But if you're busy that's totally okay too**

**Thomas: But also my boss is expecting a report in two days...?**

**Thomas: Sorry for spamming, just reply soon please**

Thomas groaned. He definitely fucked that up. Welp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe! I love you <3


	13. Sorry, I really need to plan out my chapters so I don't get writer's block

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so so so so so so sorry...
> 
> I hope y'all had an amazing holiday! Feel free to tell me about it <3

Alexander sighed, grabbing the dirty coffee cups and starting to wipe down the table. Other people liked it when they had slow days. It gave them a chance to relax and whatnot. Alexander, on the other hand, hated it. He didn’t like how it forced his mind to slow down, how quiet the atmosphere was.

Yes, sometimes quiet was nice, but not like this. Not like how he had nothing to do other than think. The silence was lonely.

When his shift finally ended, he just sat in his car. He closed his eyes and sat there, listening to the radio. This was something he did a lot after a long day. It was something to ease his mind.

After about five minutes, he buckled up his seatbelt and headed to his parents’ house because he still hadn’t managed to find a babysitter. They all assured him it was fine but he knew better.

On the way home, Philip and Alexander listened to show tunes and ended up reenacting a whole act through the traffic.

When they walked into the apartment, Alexander headed straight for his room. He freed his hair from the ponytail he pulled it up in that morning and laid down. Philip would come into the room soon enough.

Alexander shut his eyes to allow himself a moment of rest but his mind wandered. Rent was due next week. He thought about that. He thought about how he had enough to make it this month. Next month, on the other hand, would probably be rough.

Dipping into Philip’s college fund was a definite no and his current job barely got him $4,500 a month. Rent was almost $4000. Taking money out of Philip’s college fund was going to be a last resort. He could maybe take some out of the t-

Nope, that would also be a last resort- before Philip, of course. Philip’s education and future always came first. He would just have to make ends meet. That means trying to pick up a few extra shifts and applying to more schools.

When Alexander realized his son hadn’t come into the room yet, he stood up and walked to his son’s room. He found Philip standing in front of a cardboard box labeled ‘John’. Somehow he managed to get it open and was digging through it.

Alexander didn’t have space to put it anywhere else so he hid the box in his son’s room. Philip wasn’t supposed to have seen it. It was hidden for a reason so how…

“Papa!”

“Hey, Pip.” Alexander sat criss-cross next to him. “Whatcha doing?”

Philip mumbled something Alexander couldn’t understand. “Box!”

“I can see that, bud.” _Now or never, I guess._ “What’s in the box?”

He knows exactly what’s in that box. Memories of John stuffed in there and never to be opened. At least, it wasn’t supposed to be opened. But, it’s now or never. Alexander remembered having a lot of John’s childhood stuff. Toys, books, drawings, and… photos.

Digitally, all of Alexander’s pictures of John are in a separate album and he made sure to block them out with albums of the most random things. In the apartment, the only memory of John is their son. No photos, no drawings, no trophies or certificates. Just Philip.

Alexander never really moved on. He just pushed John away. So now, John doesn’t have the legacy he deserves. Just Philip, Eleanor, Mary, and him.

Philip never got to meet him, Mary barely remembers him before he went off to college, and Eleanor doesn’t talk about him. Just like Alexander.

“Look!” Philip waved a stuffed frog in his father’s face. “Papa, can I have this?”

Alexander smiled softly. “Yeah. Yeah, just let me take a picture of you with it.” He snapped the photo and sent it to Eleanor. She would love to see Philip with it. They still talk- mostly about Philip- and he and Philip always go down to South Carolina with her for a week on John’s birthday. That’s the only time they ever really talk about him.

They would do his favorite things and hang out with Mary (he never sees her). Now, since Philip is three, he can understand a lot more and hopefully get to know his dad a bit. At the end of the trip, they would visit the cemetery and lay down bouquets of his favorite flowers.

“Oh wow,” Alexander said, picking up a picture frame. The photo inside was of him and John on their first date. It was just after finals week so Alexander looked dead and John took them to get coffee. Stereotypical, but he loved every second of it.

That was the first time he felt the freckled man’s lips on his own. It was awkward, given Alexander hadn’t kissed anyone before. Their noses pressed together and it seemed like Alexander was pressing too hard into it. Awkward, but perfect. He remembered tasting whatever extra sugary, barely caffeinated beverage John was drinking on his lips. He remembered never grinning that hard before. He remembered smelling a faint flowery scent.

He remembered calling his parents and telling them all about it. Without a second thought, he sent them the picture and another text saying that they were finally opening the box.

“Who that?” Philip asked, snapping Alexander away from his phone.

“That is your dad,” he explained plainly.

Philip snatched the frame and sat in his father’s lap. He had the frog cuddled up in his elbow and the frame in both hands. As he examined the picture, he traced out the lines of John’s face and shoulders and other details. The glass was getting foggy and smudged but he could clean it later. If he decided to put it up somewhere.

“He has freckles!” Philip squealed, trying to press and trace every freckle with his chubby, little hands.

“Yep, and your hair too.” Alexander threaded his fingers through his son’s currently straight hair (he knew it would start to curl as he got older. That’s what happened with John), reaching down to tickle his son’s neck. “And your cute little nose.” He booped Philip’s nose with his pointer finger causing him to giggle and squirm. “But your beautiful, brown eyes are all mine.”

Philip pointed to the other person in the photo, humming. “Papa,” he mumbled.

Alexander pulled him off his lap and reached towards the box again. He grabbed a worn out sketchbook. The pages were full of nature drawings. Splashes of greens flooded the pages and fit perfectly within the lines. When he flipped to the last few pages, his breath hitched.

Memories flooded back into his mind.

_“Why are you staring at me?” Alexander asked._

_John blinked and his cheeks grew darker. “Sorry I just- can I draw you?”_

_“Why?”_

_“You’re really cute.”_

_“Erm, okay.”_

_John directed him to just keep reading and stay still. Alexander turned back to his book, his heart pounding in his chest._

_John wanted to draw him!_

_John thought he was cute!_

“Pretty,” Philip said.

They spent the day digging through that box. Alexander decided to frame an old picture of John and him with Lafayette and Hercules. Philip took John’s old toys and plushies. He still had a few boxes full of John’s stuff but maybe he could finally go through those too.

Alexander felt a lot better. Whatever happens, he and Philip have each other. They’re going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a beautiful day! I love you! Stay safe <3


	14. The author is alive and he gives you 4000+ words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, I'm trying to set this in New York 2017
> 
> TW: lack of eating/refusal to eat, talking about transphobia, insults

Thomas sat on his bed, mind wandering. James would be arriving back there in New York later. Dolly was still down south so James would be alone but he insisted he was fine. He told Thomas he would text him when the plane landed and crash when he got home. He promised they could make plans tomorrow.

Mentally, Thomas was doing okay. Physically was more like, eh. Before Alexander, he was doing great with the denial of everything. He had a schedule of his day: wake up, check phone, bathroom, coffee, eat breakfast, do whatever workout was planned and/or run, shower, basic hygiene, change, get ready for work, go to work, do work, eat lunch, do more work, go home, free time or work, eat dinner, free time or work, get ready for bed, and finally, sleep. An off day? No worries, it was a lazy day. He’d just work out or do nothing. It was planned and he would be busy. That left a minimal amount of time for his mind to wander. Now, Thomas just straight up abandoned the schedule. He slept in a lot, and when he wasn’t, he was stuck in his head. Meals were sometimes forgotten. He was doing better now, but a few weeks ago… oof.

He decided enough was enough. He wasn’t going to just get better magically, he had to try. So, to the gym he was going to go. Sitting there, anxiously waiting for a text, wasn’t going to do anything or speed up the process.

Thomas sighed, getting up to get dressed. The white tank top was loose and breezy so if he were to sweat, which he did while working out, it wouldn’t be too hot. He paired the top with also loose black basketball shorts. If it were to get a bit chilly- which it probably wouldn’t, being summer in New York and all- he had a hoodie in the back of his car.

He grabbed his wallet, phone, headphones, and water bottle before leaving. His car was hot, the shade that was once there yesterday now on the other side of the tree. The sun shined onto the purple paint and lightly tinted windows. Thomas sighed, starting the car.

The gym was sectioned off into different areas. There were rooms or areas for all the different types of workouts. Treadmills, bikes, ellipticals, and other cardio workout machines were in one room, machines for strength and barbells were in another room- there were a lot of rooms. Thomas always stuck to the same few rooms, usually cardio and swimming. If he wanted to do another workout, like a ton of squats and situps, he’d just set up a mat in his living room. He really only went to the gym about three times a week. Today, he decided to do thrusters and go on the treadmill.

With hair matted and tangled, forehead and back dripping with sweat, Thomas pulled out the little red chip, turning off the machine. He grabbed the towel and wiped his forehead. Belongings were grabbed and Thomas filled up his water bottle again before heading out.

The water rushed down his throat, relieved not to be dry and scratchy. While doing workouts like running or walking, he tended to focus more on the music blaring into his eardrums than the actual workout. Therefore, things like drinking water or how much sweat was on him got overlooked. How he didn’t have hearing damage is a miracle.

Thomas huffed, sitting in his car, waiting for the air conditioning to fully turn on. The seatbelt was scorching, along with the leather everywhere. It took a lot of effort just to strap himself in. After a few seconds, he decided to just say, fuck it, and start driving. A shower was needed immediately.

By the time he got home, it was already 4:12 in the afternoon. He woke up at around 11:15 that morning with a text from James saying he’d just left the hotel dated to an hour ago. Thomas squinted, sliding the device’s brightness lower and responding. The rest of the morning was spent thinking and just resting. It was at 1:45 when he left the house, 2:37 when he got to the gym. His workout was finished an hour later.

His stomach ached and his body was fatigued, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel the desire of eating, replenishing his energy. Still, he promised himself he would try at least a little bit.

Thomas frowned when entering his apartment. The effect of that little phase he was having finally sank in. The trash was full of takeout boxes and plastic silverware from the times when he did eat, blankets littered his living room along with more takeout boxes, just… a lot of junk in general. And his room was only slightly better. There were fewer takeout boxes, at least five coffee mugs, a lot of clothes, and his suit was very wrinkled. That was probably the thing he winced at the most. It was understandable, of course. He wore that thing out in public almost every day for several hours.

This was going to take a while. He had time, though.

While he wanted to just order takeout again after he finished tidying up, he’d seen the number of boxes in his apartment and decided against it. A diet of mostly coffee and takeout was not a healthy thing to do for the past maybe month or so. Instead, he ordered groceries online, too tired to go out again due to not consuming anything besides water the entire day. He had already showered and changed anyway.

Okay, it wasn’t the healthiest thing and it didn’t have a single vegetable, but at least was cooking. He could be proud of that.

His mind wandered again as he watched the pasta boil. It was… almost seven o’clock so James’ plane should’ve landed an hour ago. That was good, it meant he was back in New York. But, the plane should’ve landed an hour ago and he still hasn’t gotten any texts or calls from the man. No, he would be fine. There was obviously a logical explanation for this.

_Yeah, that he died-_

Before he could make any impulsive decisions, Thomas’ phone pinged and he practically leaped over the counter to grab it. He fumbled with it, trying to type in the passcode as quickly as he could. It wasn’t James.

**Alexander: So sorry I’m replying a day later. I’m free tomorrow if that works? Just give me a time and place. Also, will Lafayette be there or will it just be you and me again?**

Oh. So that was his way of saying he was uncomfortable with him…

Well, he still had to be there since it was his case but he was already planning on dragging the Frenchman along too so it works out.

**Thomas: No worries. It’ll be me and Lafayette. We’ll figure out a time and place and let you know. Is that alright?**

**Alexander: Perfect.**

Thomas sighed, setting the phone down. It wasn’t James but at least they would be making progress on the case soon. Besides, James was fine.

He turned his attention back to the boiling pot, placing a lid on top. A combination of milk and butter was added to another pot on low heat to simmer along with shredded cheddar and mozzarella soon afterward. Thomas drained the soft pasta, getting annoyed with the way the steam fogged up his glasses.

Thomas sat alone at his dining table, staring at the small bowl of cheesy noodles. His stomach churned as he looked at the dish. He wasn’t hungry anymore but he knew he should eat. The longer he stared, the more his stomach churned with uneasiness; anxiety, and confusion. He bit his lip and looked around the room, searching for an answer.

The steam coming from the food taunted him. If he was going to eat, he should do it now. While it’s still hot. It always annoyed him when food that had just been fine and hot a minute ago turned stale and cold in the blink of an eye. But it’s not like anyone was there. No one was expecting him to eat and he could always just eat it later.

Thomas managed to eat half of the small portion.

His phone pinged again, turning him away from the fridge where he had been putting the leftovers away. James. Thank god.

**James: Sorry, I was really tired after the plane landed and I just fell asleep when I got home.**

James was alive! Thomas breathed a sigh of relief after reading the text.

**Thomas: It’s fine.**

**Thomas: You just scared me a bit.**

**James: So, where do you want to meet up tomorrow?**

Thomas mentally slapped himself in the head and ran himself into a wall. Right, he needed to also make plans with Lafayette and Alexander tomorrow. Also, Washington was expecting a report soon.

He promised he would meet up with James. He was the one to make a big deal out of it anyway.

But…

He really liked his job and needed to keep it. Sure he had a trust fund from his parents but he was also independent and unsure if said trust fund was going to still exist. Even if Washington probably wasn’t going to fire him over this one time, he couldn’t risk it. He also couldn’t risk lying to his employer, not to mention Lafayette would have to be in on it.

**Thomas: Rain check…?**

**James: You’re the one who wanted to meet up so bad in the first place.**

**James: You sure?**

**Thomas: Yeah, I was just being very stupid, sorry.**

**James: Ok.**

Thomas frowned but that needed to be done. He swiped through his contacts in the ‘L’ column.

**Thomas: Alexander said he’s free to meet up tomorrow. Time and place?**

**Lafayette: Diner by my place. I will send you both the address. We will meet around 1 pm?**

**Thomas: Sounds good. I’ll let him know.**

At this point, he was too tired to actually type and talk to Alexander. Instead, he took a screenshot of him and Lafayette’s conversation and sent it to him. Alexander was probably equally as tired because he responded with a single thumbs-up emoji.

It wasn’t too late but he couldn’t think of anything else he needed to do, so he decided to turn in for the night. He made his way to the bathroom which connected to his bedroom and started brushing his teeth. Usually, he would do his specific routine but he didn’t feel like putting in the effort. One last time wouldn’t be so bad right? So after brushing his teeth, he climbed under the covers and shut his eyes.

-

Thomas woke up to sunlight stinging his eyes. He suddenly regretted going to bed right away and not checking any locks, curtains, or anything. He groaned when his brain started working again, not allowing him to drift off to sleep. He grabbed his phone from under the pillow to check the time.

_9:14 am_

Right, he also needed to fix his sleeping schedule if he was going to get to work on time without needing cups and cups of coffee. Luckily he didn’t have to be in the office for work today. He still had the meet up to go to, though.

He pulled the warm covers off his body and slid off the bed. Agh, he should’ve set an alarm or something. Now there’s no time to get an exercise in and get ready for the meeting. Now, his schedule is fucked up. Wow, and not even a week in.

Thomas sighed. Might as well just lay back down and sleep until it was time to leave.

A few hours later, he rolled off the mattress. Thomas had been unable to actually sleep. Scenes of what happened at the last meeting and what could happen at this next one wouldn’t allow him to rest. The lyrics of a random song filled the blanks of his brain.

The effort of actually putting on a suit was nauseating. And god, _ironing it_? That thing was so wrinkled. Thomas just slipped on a plain shirt with some jeans and left the house.

Drowsiness sat in the bags underneath Thomas’ eyes. He internally groaned and sighed with every step he took towards his car. The sleepiness didn’t make sense. He had gone to bed at a normal time and overslept by a lot if it were compared to his normal schedule. His shoes scraped the concrete and the noise was oddly satisfying if he didn’t think about how he was ruining his shoes.

“Hello, Lafayette,” Thomas greeted, meeting the Frenchman by the diner’s doors.

“Thomas! How are you?” Ah, Lafayette. How the man was somehow always energetic was a mystery to all. It may have been one in the afternoon, but Thomas was tired.

“Tired.” There was a beat of silence, Lafayette waiting for the other to continue. “Hey, so I know this is really unprofessional but can you do me a favor?”

“Depends, mon ami.”

“My social energy is like, non-existent right now- has been for a few days- anyway…”

“Hm?” The Frenchman hummed.

“Can you maybe… do all the talking?” Thomas bit his lip. “Like, I’ll still do work and stuff. Like, I’ll take notes, but can you ask the questions?”

Lafayette took a step closer. “Thomas-”

“Sorry, I know this is really unprofessional and stuff, and I should have my shit together, but I’m really fucking tired.”

“Of course, mon ami. Alexander will be doing most of the talking anyway.” He patted his partner on the back. “Come, let us get a coffee in you while we wait for _mon petit lion_.”

“Laf!” A voice panted behind them. “Laf, Laf-”

“Thomas, go find a table and we will meet you inside.” He frowned, walking towards the small man.

Thomas quirked an eyebrow. “...Alright.”

So he left them. He stepped inside the chilled diner and sat at an empty booth. From the window, he could see the other two talking. No emotions stuck out in particular. Just some nodding from both. Then, they moved away from the window to come into the diner.

Alexander sat in front of the two lawyers, them together on the other side of the booth. Thomas and Lafayette pulled out a notepad and pen.

“Hiya.” A waiter walked up to their table. They had their hair up in a tall bun, it starting to bounce a bit when he stepped. “What can I get for you handsomes?”

Alexander’s head snapped up with a grin on his face. “Can I get a cof-”

But, Laf was quick to interrupt. “We’ll both have some water and Thomas…?”

Alexander scoffed, eyes glaring at the tall Virginian.

“I’ll-” Thomas coughed to cover up his stuttering. “I’ll have a coffee, please.”

“Of course,” the waiter said, writing it down. “And will that be it for you gentleman?”

Alexander piped up again. “Can I also get a co-”

And interrupted by the Frenchman. Again.

“I think we’re good for now.”

She gave a small, tired smile to the men. “I’ll have those out for you in just a second.”

Lafayette nodded. “Thank you.”

As he walked away, Lafayette turned his attention back to Thomas and Alexander. Alexander huffed at him, his cheeks growing hot.

“I do not have a coffee addiction, Laffy.”

“I did not say anything, mon petit.”

“You fucking french baguette fucker,” the small man grumbled. He just wanted coffee. It had been… over a week since he had more than one coffee a day and it sucked. His mood was all over the place, his patience had significantly dropped. Instead of coffee, he drank those mini Gatorade bottles. They didn’t cost too much and it was easy to buy a big pack of them.

“Oh please. You know this is good for you.”

Alexander just rolled his eyes. “Anyway, this is not what we’re here for.”

“Correct.” Lafayette dug around in his bag for more papers. “You are suing Adams for wrongful termination.” Alexander nodded. “He has discriminated against you multiple times because of…”

“Sexual orientation, gender identity, and national origin,” Thomas filled in.

“Yeah pretty much,” Alexander mumbled.

“Okay. Is there anything you would like to add or do want to elaborate?” Lafayette asked.

Alexander paused to think. “I think I…” He trailed off and cleared his throat before starting to speak again. “Erm, so I started working there maybe, four years ago? It was like, right before the crash, so my voice was still really high, I had feminine features. The fucker wasn’t even there for the interview! So then, I come in on my first day, of course, walking into the front office. I go into his office and introduce myself like I’ve done with everyone else. And sure, they looked at me kind of weird, stared for a bit too long, but at least they didn’t say anything. Their stares weren’t like, disgusted or hurtful. They were a bit confused for a bit. They just nodded and greeted me. Of course, I have my pronoun button on because… well, that’s obvious. But Adams, fucking Adams looked at me and said, ‘Who is this and where is Mr. Hamilton.’ And right after Suzanna came in before me saying, ‘Mr. Hamilton is here.’” Alexander rolled his eyes. “I tell him that I am Mr. Hamilton- because I am- and he just stares at my pronoun button and frowns. He looks me up and down and deadpans, ‘I’m afraid your outfit is not school appropriate,’ as if I was a student. By the way, I was wearing a hoodie and jeans because it was cold and I suffer from a severe case of titties. I asked him what an appropriate teaching outfit would be and that son of a-”

“Alright, I got two glasses of water and a coffee.” The waiter put the cups onto their table. “I’ll be back a bit later just in case you want to order anything else.” And they walked off.

Thomas started to mix cream and sugar into the dark liquid and Alexander throws another glare at Lafayette. A sigh from the Frenchman is heard and he tells him to continue.

“He responds by asking me to give him my personal phone number- in a way that was kind of creepy- so he could ‘let me know from there,’” Alexander says using air quotes. “I didn’t give it to him and he responded by misgendering me and being rude. I just left and asked Suzanna to give me the information I needed. It was like that for a while. He’d give me some rude comments a few slurs on occasion, and then I had to go on maternity leave. That sucked. Like, telling him and the whole thing. I love Philip, though. Ten-out-of-ten would not recommend telling your transphobic boss that you have to leave in six months for the rest of the year because you have a uterus and your dead ex-fiance didn’t pull out. I bet you can imagine what happened there.”

Thomas scribbled down the notes onto the pad. His lips slipped into a frown as he listened to Alexander’s story. The way he talked about it so casually terrified him. This was a serious matter and he talked about this like it was a joke. How often did this happen?

“What kind of things would he call you?” Lafayette asked, clicking his pen.

“Mm, slut shaming, deadnaming, misgendering, bitch, whore…” Alexander laughed.

Thomas gripped his pen a little tighter every time he named another insult. Ink stained in uneven blotches where he’d stopped moving his wrist to take a deep breath. Rips in the thin, yellow sheet where he almost snapped and moved the tip too quickly.

“Alex?”

“It’s Alexander,” he corrected.

“Alexander?”

He hummed. “Yes?”

“Why are you doing this? Why are you making this seem like a joke, like it’s funny?”

“Because,” Alexander sang. “I’d probably end up crying at some point. I’d rather not do that.” He chuckled. “It’s called using humor as a coping mechanism.”

“Why…”

“Why not, Thomas?”

“Let’s just move forward,” Lafayette cut in. “What was happening when he fired you.”

“So, GSA was almost over, the kids were packing up. And like, Adam comes out of nowhere, pounding on the door because he can tell that people are in there. I let the kids out real quick with Philip because he was there with me-”

“Wait, who’s Philip?” Thomas asked.

“My son,” Alexander says. “Do you know who John is?” Thomas shook his head. “He’s my dead ex-fiance.”

“Oh,” Thomas said awkwardly.

“Yeah, anyway, the kids go out to Eliza’s room- she’s another teacher- and Adams throws the sign I have on the front door at me. It’s the sign that says, ‘GSA’ in like rainbows and sparkles so the kids know where to go. He throws it at me and just starts yelling, spitting slurs and insults and shit- oh yeah, and my deadname. I get fired, he gets punched in the face by yours truly, and I get thrown off the property.”

“ _Merde_ ,” Lafayette mumbled.

“Yep, not looking very good for me here as the minority whose human rights are still being debated,” Alexander said. “Gotta fucking love America, am I right?”

“He can throw an assault charge right back at you,” Thomas stated.

“Welp, we already know he’s gonna win and put me a lot deeper in debt with that assault charge. You both can run back to Washington and tell him to take you off the case.”

“Non, mon petit lion.”

“What’s the point of this anyway?” Alexander groaned, leaning back to stretch.

“To prove you will not let _merde like him_ win. Trans rights are human rights, oui?”

“Hi.” The three turn around to see the waiter from before. “I did not mean to eavesdrop, especially since I saw this is some legal crap, but can I say something?” Lafayette gives her a nod. “I’m not trans but I am gay and my partner is non-binary. Um, they’ve been struggling a bit with finding a part-time job because of their pronouns, their college doesn’t have a unisex bathroom so they have to use the men’s, and… it’s been really hard for them. If this case goes big, like, sent to the supreme court and reviewed for trans rights big, that would be amazing and it would make them- and me- so happy. Even if it doesn’t, it would mean a lot that you’re still fighting. America really sucks right now and it probably will for a while considering we have a crazy, orange cult leader in office for another three years, but this could be one step closer. And consider others that are in your same shoes! This could help them and people all over the world.”

“You know they’re right, Alexander,” Thomas said.

“Yeah. Yeah, they are.” Alexander mumbled. “Hey, uh, thanks…”

“Kaine.”

“Kaine,” Alexander whispered. “Thanks, Kaine.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Of course. You’ve convinced me.” He smiled.

“Yes!” Kaine squealed, smiling brightly as well. “Thank me by winning. My partner is going to be so happy about this!”

Just like Philip, just like John, Alexander decided he was going to stay. He was going to stay on the case for Kaine and his partner. For people all over the country who were still struggling. Closeted or out, struggling or proud, for everyone. For John who was hopefully still here for him. For Philip who Alexander hoped would live in a safer environment, a happier place than where it is right now. Cheeto man serving a life sentence, Jeff Bozos paying more taxes, police being reformed, their new president being some kind of minority, and everyone having equal rights.

“Can I get you three anything else?” She asked later.

“Three more waters?” Lafayette said.

“Of course.”

They worked on the case until Alexander had to leave. They made a lot of progress and Washington would be happy to see that. Alexander was determined to win this. This case was going to go far, he would make sure of that. He was going to do it even if it landed him in jail. For a better country. For Philip and for John and for Kaine and their partner. For one step closer to equal rights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I!! love!!! you!!!
> 
> you!! are!! valid!!
> 
> stay safe!
> 
> <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you couldn’t tell already I love the cottagecore aesthetic so much please i wanna live in a tiny cottage in the woods and become a witch

Being at that diner felt nice. Being able to help someone felt nice. To know that maybe he could be part of something really important felt nice. What didn't feel nice was thinking about what would happen if the case were to get big. His father was an important figure in the south. Of course, he'd find out about it someday. That wouldn't be good. Thomas wanted this to go far. He wanted to change too. He knew the southern, conservative, public figure, Peter Jefferson, wouldn't allow the case to make a change in this country. He had lots of other conservative friends to help him. Thomas barely had any friends.

He shook his head. Alexander was going to make it far with this. Thomas knew this. Peter Jefferson sure as hell wasn't going to stop him.

**James: You have work today too, right?**

**Thomas: Yes**

**Thomas: Why?**

**James: Perfect. We can talk during lunch break then**

**Thomas: Ok**

He was happy to get through his normal routine that morning. Things were getting a bit better. He was cleaning himself up and his suit was ironed. The meeting with Washington was good, nothing to note on. The first half of his day was great.

Thomas made his way into James' office.

"Hiya, Jemmy."

James looked up with a smile.

"Thomas."

"You wanted to talk to me?"

"Yeah," James said. "We've barely talked to each other for a month! C'mon, let's go get lunch."

"Alright."

They walked away from the office building and into a small cafe. The interior was covered in pretty vines and little plants. Tons and tons of mason jars held flowers and moss gardens. The shiny crystals scattering the countertops drew them in.

James ordered a coffee and a bagel while Thomas got a smoothie and a croissant. The two sat down at a smooth, wooden table with the smell of fresh pastries and ground coffee filling their noses.

"Don't try lying to me because I can tell when you're lying, Thomas," James said.

Thomas looked away from the counter to face his friend. "Lying? Why would I be lying, Jemmy?"

"I don't know, Thomas," James said, staring at the other man. He chuckled, looking away. "Anyway, how are you?"

"I'm okay," Thomas said, messing with the cuffs of his sleeves. "You?"

"I'm good. Dolly's coming home in a few weeks and we might go down to see extended family later this summer."

"That's..."

"Going to be boring, I know. But Dolly's family is nice." James paused. "How 'bout you? Any summer plans?"

Thomas hummed. "No, not really."

" _Coffee and bagel for James and a strawberry banana smoothie with a croissant for Thomas,_ " A voice spoke over the intercom.

"That's us." James got up, Thomas following shortly behind.

They picked up their food and sat back down at the table.

James sipped the hot beverage. "So, like I said before, I know when you're lying."

"Yep, you did say that."

"So why did you leave me on radio silence for three weeks?"

James saw the taller man freeze. There it was. He didn't actually know if Thomas had been lying, it was just a hunch. Thomas just proved him right. And a second later, he relaxed. Covered up. Like it never happened.

"Like I said before, Jemmy," he spoke, calmly and way too professionally to not be a cover-up. "It was work." Thomas shrugged. "I was busy."

James decided to play along. "Oh, what's your new case?"

"That's... confidential information." Thomas made it sound like a question.

"C'mon, you can tell me something," he teased.

"Um, so, this teacher from Schuyler K-8 got fired, so... a lawsuit."

"Wait, Schuyler?" Thomas nodded. "Do I know them? What happened?"

"How do you know that school?"

"Dolly and I took a tour there when they were doing an open house. It seems like a good school," James answered. "What happened to them? Who is it?"

"So the principal, John Adams-"

"Oh god, that guy's an asshole. Started eyeing Dolly and I swear he had a wedding ring on too."

"Shit..."

"Anyway, sorry for interrupting. You were saying?"

"Yeah, so Adams fired them for starting a GSA and other things and my- well, me and Lafayette's- client is suing for discrimination."

"Damn..." James mumbled. "Eliza?"

"What?"

"Is your client's name Elizabeth Schuyler?"

"Should I tell you...?"

James smirked, sipping his coffee again. "So it's a yes?"

"What? No." Thomas took a bite of his croissant.

"Alright." James chewed a bit of the bagel. "Who is it then?"

"Why do you even want to know so badly?"

"Because I might know them. And besides, why don't you want to tell me?"

"I'm not supposed to go and tell people court information," Thomas mumbled.

"Yeah, but you can at least tell me their name, right?"

"Right."

"So why won't you tell me?"

Thomas sighed. "His name is Alexander Hamilton."

"Oh wow, Washington's son?"

"Yep."

"See," James started to say, typing on his phone. "That wasn't so hard, was it?" He stuffed his phone back into his pocket. "You made it seem like we were teenagers and I was trying to get you to spill the name of the girl you had a crush on."

"Ha, yeah," Thomas chuckled with just a bit of nerves at his voice.

Here's the thing, Thomas never had a crush on any of those girls. When they were younger, they used to lay on the floor of James' room and talk about whatever shit was on their mind. Quoting their favorite books, making inside jokes, talking about what they were going to do in the future. There was nothing they couldn't discuss. Like, girls they wished would notice them, but never did. Although, that was more James. Thomas just named a random girl in his class to fit in.

All the embarrassing things got shared. Like one time, James dared him to ask out the girl he 'liked' and ended up breaking his wrist. James once got sick and kicked out of a class because he got sick from how much work he was given. Thomas was always at James' to hang out.

"Hey, Jemmy?" The other man looked up. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

Thomas stared at the colorful smoothie straw, looking for something to say. "I- uh... erm..."

"What?"

"I think... I- um... actually, nevermind."

James lifted an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm good," Thomas stuttered. "I just... I'm good."

"Alright," James said.

He wasn't convinced at all. That wasn't like Thomas. Thomas never said anything unless he knew what he was saying and he never stopped saying anything mid-sentence like that. _Never._

"Hey, we should go soon," Thomas told him, eating the last of his croissant. "I'm just, um, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"Yeah, sure."

James finished up his lunch by the time Thomas had come back. They walked back to the office and went their separate ways.

James kept an eye on Thomas when they passed by each other. There was obviously something important going on that Thomas wanted to tell him about. Sure, they didn't tell each other _everything_ , but Thomas should've just said it.

And that's why he stopped Thomas before he got in his car and drove home.

"Thomas!" James called, running after Thomas who was standing by his car.

"Oh, hey, James."

"Can we talk?"

"Um, yeah, sure."

"So here's the thing," James said, pausing to check his friend's reactions. "I know you were lying to me at the cafe and if something's bothering you I want you to be able to come to me and talk about it."

Thomas' smile stiffened a bit. The glint in his eyes showed fear, along with his quaking hands. Thomas shoved them in his pockets.

"What are you talking about, Jemmy?" Thomas laughed. "I promise I'm not _not_ telling you anything."

James bit his lip. "Well how about earlier at the cafe? You were going to tell me something."

"Well, it wasn't important."

"Thomas, I know that's not the truth!"

"It is, Jemmy," Thomas said firmly.

"Thomas."

James was getting frustrated. He knew his best friend. They were _best friends._ If Thomas couldn't tell him something because he wasn't supposed to, he'd understand. But obviously, that wasn't the case here. Thomas wanted to tell him something. Why couldn't he tell him?

"James, I'm fine."

It was only when he saw the moisture in his eyes and the rest of Thomas' body shaking when he stopped pressing.

James sighed. If Thomas wanted to tell him something, he would tell him. If it was important, he would've told him. He would tell him when he was ready.

"Fine," James finally spoke. "I'm sorry for pushing. If there's something I needed to know, you would tell me. I'm going too far and I can respect that. Just... I'm here for you if you need anything, okay? Anything at all." Thomas nodded, his head still staring at the ground.

That doesn't mean he wouldn't still be frustrated, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe, i love you <3


	16. Angst?? Maybe??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I know zazz can make fear my bitch but how can I make writer's block my bitch? Angst suggestions for Alexander or Thomas? No stabbing... yet *looks at @StormChapter* Also... remember Kristina from chapters 1-2?

Alexander laid in bed with his laptop propped against his legs. He scrolled through his inbox again searching for any emails he might have missed. School should've ended for the year in most places. A lot of teachers usually spent their summer with friends instead of working, and Alexander was usually one of them. Not this year, though.

He was hoping to teach a summer class. He hated having to leave Philip if he got the job, but... there really wasn't any choice. His applications had already been sent to a lot of schools in the area. None had gotten back to him. They were probably just busy with student finals and things. He'd get an email eventually. Things would be fine.

At least that's what he tried to tell himself.

With a sigh, he shut his laptop and shoved it onto the nightstand next to the bed. He turned to his side and covered himself with the blankets. Somehow, the bed he'd spent the last almost four years in felt too big. He hugged himself under the blankets.

Sleepiness stung his eyes. He was tired. He wanted to sleep. But he couldn't. Chills shook his body and the blankets didn't do anything to help. It hurt. His legs curled into himself, trying to preserve what little warmth he had. After a while, he just sat back up.

He reached for his phone. The device was cold. He found himself scrolling through his contact list. It was late, everyone would probably be asleep. He wanted to talk to someone, though. But at the same time, he didn't need to bother anyone.

He missed John. He missed his warm hugs, his soft hair... he missed his laugh, his bright smile, his beautiful golden brown eyes, his soft lips, his smooth, honey-like voice. John was his everything. And he's gone.

Now, he had Philip. Philip must've gotten most of John's genes because he was the sweetest kid ever. He was just like John.

Time for doom scrolling through Twitter for a bit.

_I wonder what I'll see today. Maybe I'll lose another one of my rights. Ha._

Somehow he ended up scrolling through his old tweets. Memories of embarrassing late-night rants flooded his brain. The sarcastically sad messages tweeted when he missed John like this night.

**_fuuuuck there's this really really really cute boy in my dorm and fucking hell I can't stop thinking about him_ **

That tweet was when he first met John. Holy shit, that was like, ten years ago. Time really does fly by sometimes.

Alexander sniffled, wiping away the tears on his cheek with the back of his hand. He put the device down, finally shutting his eyes.

Memories of that golden brown-haired boy filled his mind. The taste of his sweet, strawberry lips, his comforting words, his warmth. Going shopping, going on dates, going to the movies. Alexander remembered when John proposed.

It wasn't anything fancy. They were at home watching The Little Mermaid again. Just as the movie ended, as they were both starting to get sleepy, John knelt on one knee. There wasn't a big speech but it was enough. Alexander knew he was the one.

John had been there with him through everything after they met. He stayed with him even after he came out. Every time he got stressed about an assignment or other personal matters, he'd give him a hug and a kiss on the forehead. He'd tell him everything was okay. That's all he needed right now.

It was around four am when Alexander finally fell asleep.

-

Alexander woke up to his standard Apple alarm blaring. He was quick to shut it off, not really in the mood to get a headache. He checked the time.

_6:15... nice, two hours of sleep._

Slowly, he started getting up and starting his morning routine. He checked on Philip to make sure his son was, in fact, still alive and breathing and got started on breakfast.

He still felt kind of shitty, but hey, maybe he could call someone now.

Alexander hummed along to The Little Mermaid soundtrack as he dipped the bread into the batter and dropped it onto the hot pan. Cooking was calming from the mess inside his head. He wasn't the best at it, but it was enough to keep him and his son alive.

He decided to call Lafayette while he ate.

" _Mon ami! How are you?_ "

"Eh." Alexander paused to chew the toast. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

" _Non, we are just having breakfast._ " The Frenchman flipped the camera and moved the phone around. All of the Lafayette-Mulligans were seated at the dining table. The kids were shoveling their mouths with the food while Hercules advised them to slow down. It was cute.

"How did you get the kids to wake up and have breakfast with you at... seven am?"

Lafayette flipped the camera back so it was facing him. He shrugged. " _They are early risers._ "

"Nice. Pip's still sleeping. I might wake him up in a bit."

" _Ah. What's up?_ "

"I dunno, just feeling lonely, I guess."

" _Aw, mon petit._ " Lafayette thought for a bit. " _Alexander?_ "

"Yes," he hummed.

"What if I set you up with someone?"

Alexander's eyes widened. "Laf. No."

"And why not?"

"I'm not ready for dating and it's not like I have the time anyway."

"Please," Lafayette whined.

"Laf," Alexander mocked.

"Just one?" The Frenchman pleaded. "One date, I promise."

"One?"

Lafayette nodded.

Alexander sighed. "Fine."

Lafayette squealed. "Yes! Okay, I will get back to you on this later."

"Yup..."

"Oui, I will talk to you again later?"

"Yeah. Bye."

"Goodbye, mon ami."

Alexander groaned and leaned back in his seat after Lafayette hung up. He didn't want to date anyone right now. All he wanted was John. He wanted John to play with Philip, he wanted John to be here.

Alexander finished up the piece of toast and got his laptop. With the case and stuff he kind of forgot about writing.

This was all drafting, at the moment. He didn't really know where the book was going and just letting the ideas come to him worked a lot better than planning it out one by one. Sure, it might not be efficient and might just collapse under him, but at least he's writing.

A lot of the characters were based on people around him. Writing was an outlet for him. There's nothing better than a little bit of self-projection, right?

He wrote whatever semi-coherent thoughts he had into the Google document. After a bit, he went to check on Philip again.

It was almost nine so he figured he should wake him up for breakfast.

The kid looked peaceful. Alexander smiled at the small, even breaths that made his chest rise and fall. He wanted to let the kid sleep in but he knew Philip had to eat and wanted to play later.

"Hey, Pip," Alexander whispered, setting a hand on his shoulder. "Pip, it's time to wake up."

Philip mumbled something that Alexander couldn't understand.

"You gotta eat breakfast and then we can go and play or watch a movie or something, alright."

Philip's eyes fluttered open slowly.

"There we go. Do you want me to carry you to the kitchen?"

He nodded.

"Alright. Hold on." Alexander picked Philip up from the armpits and pulled him off the bed. He walked around the apartment, dragging Philip along.

Philip laughed along with his father's antics.

When they reached the kitchen, Alexander, in a robot voice, said, "We have reached our destination. Thanks for riding with us and stay safe."

Alexander sat Philip at the table and heated up a piece of toast. Philip ate and they talked. Alexander spent the day drawing with Philip and listening to him rant about preschool. He told stories about John and they watched Disney movies on repeat.

Everything was fine until the sun set again. Until his head hit the soft cushion of his bed and he was alone again. Until the only thing he could think about was how big and empty his bed felt. Until he wanted to curl into a ball and squish himself until he didn't exist anymore.

He knew Philip needed him but sometimes that wasn't enough. Alexander loves his son with everything he has but sometimes he's just so far into his head to hear anything that's not himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, you are loved so keep going for me, alright? <3


	17. Jasmine Cephas-Jones is so pretty omg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying to get my schedule back on track, I’m so so so sorry!!! Also, my parents put shit on my internet so it’s going to be a bit harder to update. I’ll try my best though!!

Alexander buttoned the white shirt all the way to the top. He wiped his hands on the shirt to smooth out the slight wrinkles tucked into his jeans. This shirt fit him perfectly and felt so different from the baggy shirts and hoodies he normally wore.

The urge to flatten his chest with the tight fabric tucked under his bed was stronger than he’d felt all month. He avoided looking at mirrors and even looking to the ground. His brain touched the idea of layering but looked away from his drawer before anything could happen.

He dropped Philip off with Martha and Frances next door and left for his first shift. 

It was his job to open today. That meant wiping down all the tables and making sure everything was in order. Making sure the sandwiches and pastries were stocked in the glass display cabinet. Making sure the machines and the rest of the supplies were working. Unlocking the bathroom, and finally, unlocking the store and flipping the sign at the front over to say,  **_OPEN_ ** .

He pulled up the blinds, sighing as the warm sunlight touched his skin. The cafe stirred awake as Alexander’s coworkers came slowly flooding in. Soon, the smell of coffee grinds and warm, buttery treats filled the air. Small sounds of ceramic dishes and cups clinking could be heard all over. Machines huffed and steamed and pinged.

It got loud and there were moments where the energy dipped. Customers came and left. Some came alone to do work or just enjoy their time. Some came with friends, laughing and smiling and hugging. It was expected. It was normal.

And, of course, particularly attractive customers came in at times, catching Alexander’s attention. They came and left just like anyone else. Sure, sometimes the thought of them lingered a bit longer than needed or expected, but he got over it. They were attractive and that was it. 

Not with her, though.

It was about an hour before closing time, most of the customers were gone by then and only a handful of employees were still working. Alexander was. He was working the register and leaving orders on the counter for those picking up. 

And oh, her intense, curly, brunette hair, the way it was perfectly sat in a high bun on her head. Her smile, electrifying. The way her deep red-painted lips curved and revealed her pearly white teeth. Eyes, concealed by tinted, heart-shaped sunglasses. The way her floral jacket draped over the rest of her outfit- a dark red blouse, matching in color to her lips, tucked into black ripped jeans. Her skin, oak with small blotches of pale vitiligo contrasted perfectly with her clothes and make-up.

Damn was she a sight for sore eyes.

“H-Hi, welcome to Willow’s Brew,” Alexander recited by memory, having a bit of trouble looking the woman in the eyes. “What can I get for you today?”

“Hiya,” she spoke, calm and careful. “Uh, lemme get an iced caramel macchiato and uh…” she looked at the display window. “Lemme get a slice of strawberry bread.”

“Alright.” Alexander rang up her order. “Your total is seven dollars and forty-three cents. Can I get a name for your order?”

“Maria Reynolds.”

As she pulled out her card to pay, Alexander saw a peek of a rose tattoo on her wrist. She swiped the card and placed it back into her bag.

“Would you like to keep your receipt?” Alexander asked, a bit disappointed this interaction was almost over. He held in a breath, hoping she’d say yes.

“Sure.”

Alexander smiled and printed the small paper out. He took a pen and flipped it to the back. He wrote a note saying,

**_hey, ur cute :)_ **

**_can i get ur number? i like you a latte <3_ **

**_(sorry if this makes you uncomfortable btw)_ **

Okay, maybe he wasn’t totally ready for dating, but Lafayette was going to set him up on a blind date anyway so wasn’t this the better option? That was if he did get a date. 

He flipped the receipt back over and slid it across the counter to the woman. She tipped him a light smile and walked over to one of the tables to wait.

Alexander’s eyes kept flicking back to her as he made her drink. He wanted her to see the note. Rejection sucked but an answer would’ve been nice. And yeah, it was cheesy, but it worked, right? Hopefully, it would. Hopefully, she would see it.

He poured the caramel into the plastic cup, topping it with the lid, and set it on the counter. He walked over to the display case and grabbed a piece of strawberry bread with a napkin.

“Iced caramel macchiato and strawberry bread for Maria Reynolds,” he announced over the loudspeaker.

She walked to the counter to collect her order and left the shop.

-

“Alex, can you check the tip jar? Some asshole left paper in it again,” one of his coworkers called as he was just about to leave for the day. “Just throw it away.”

“Sure.”

And sure enough, there was a small piece of folded paper. He dug his hand into the jar and fished it out. Alexander unfolded the paper and smiled as he read it.

**_you’re cute too :)_ **

**_call me? <3_ **

**_889 345 3343_ **

Alexander stuffed the note in his pocket and practically skipped to his car. Once inside, he laughed, pulling up Lafayette’s contact.

“Laaaaaaaf,” he sang into the phone once he answered.

“ _ Mon ami! I was just about to call you! _ ”

“Laffy, the deal’s off-”

“ _ Wait, what?! _ ”

“Let me finish.” Alexander took a breath. “The deal’s off because your bitch got a date!”

Alexander heard screeching and yelling from the other side of the device.

“ _ Oh, wow, mon petit, that is amazing! _ ”

“Well, not exactly a date yet, but I have her number.”

“ _ Aw _ ,” the Frenchman cooed. “ _ My baby is all grown up! _ ”

“Laf, I’m a year older than-“

“ _ Shush _ .” There was a moment of silence. “ _ So what are you going to wear? _ ”

“Laf, I just told you it’s not officially a date yet.”

“ _ Well, what are you going to say to her later? _ ”

“I don’t know…” Alexander mumbled. He dug his set of keys out of his backpack and started the car. “I’ll just, you know, go with it.”

“ _ Non. _ ”

“Laaaaf,” he groaned. “I’ll be fine.”

“ _ Trés bien _ ,” he huffed. “ _ But you must tell me everything afterwards _ .”

“Alright, Laffy.” He stepped on the brake and turned the car towards the road. “Now I gotta go before I die in a fucking car accident just like my ex-fiance.”

“ _ Goodbye, mon petit lion. _ ”

“Bye.” And he hung up.

Alexander drove home and picked up Philip from Martha’s with a thanks.

After dinner and after Philip was finally asleep, Alexander stared at the new contact on his screen.

**_Maria❤_ **

He was scared. He was scared of being close to someone like that again. He didn’t want to get hurt. He didn’t want Philip to get hurt. Philip can remember stuff now. And god, if they were to get close, would Philip like her? Would he start neglecting him? Was she good with kids? Did she even like kids? She looked nice enough but you never know people. 

What about him? Would she hate him after secrets come out? Was she a terrible person?

There were so many questions with no one to answer for him.

That night, he was restless. Thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take care of yourselves. You’re amazing and I love you so much! Stay safe <3


End file.
